I am about to embark upon my final year of university. Ergo, I have been doing some Actual Thinking about things I want (need) to get done in the outrageously near future.
WORK EXPERIENCE
Despite having a very exciting and productive summer full of CV-worthy activity, I haven't done any work experience for a couple of years. That's not to say I've been lazy; quite the opposite. I've done things that I'll never get a chance to do again, and for that I am glad because I known I've been a good Opportunity Grasper. But now I need to get the ball back rolling when it comes to work experience, and I need to really start trying out things to try and deduce what it is I want to do with my adult life. The first thing I'm going to do is send my CV to local advertising companies. My parents have been saying for years that they think I should look into doing advertising (apparently because I'm creative and witty and current and all that!) but I'd never really considered it until recently. As I've become more Photoshop-literate and from having watched more TV and read more magazines (due to modules I took last year) the advertising world has been more poignant to me, and it's definitely something I'd like to have a go in.
DISSERTATION
Despite having a Genuine Concern that I've bitten off more than I can chew by choosing to do a practical dissertation, I really really really want to make it amazing. I know I'm doing some form of street photography, but all summer my mind has been changing as to the precise path I want to take. I think I'm currently leaning toward street portraiture, like 83% sure, but by the end of September I want to have decided 100% on my theme. I think doing it in London is the best idea, as I have unlimited access to London, and I really want to photograph people as it's something I've always loved to do, and the project Humans of New York has introduced me to street portraiture, which I have rather fallen in love with. But I just want to pick the thing that I can do the best at, which is something I need to work out in the next month preferably.
BUY STATIONARY
This may sound trivial but never underestimate the power of stationary that you love. I need to buy my favourite biros and my favourite paper because these are what I get the best quality work out of. It sounds ridiculous but if you know what I mean, then you'll know what I mean. I also need to get some nice folders because I'm always more inclined to remain organised if I have a nice folder to be organised in. And I need to buy a new hole punch because mine broke at the end of second year because I punched too many holes.
That's all I can think of now. I'm sure there are more things, but I can't think properly anymore because David just ordered us a curry and I'm too excited about my biriyani to make a list.
I'm going to make a Promise To Myself to blog more regularly this year, because I know I'll be grateful when I finish uni if I have some remotely concise writings about my experiences. I'm so happy I blogged through sixth form, and first year, so this seems vital even if I did neglect it during second year.
Tee tee eff en x
Sunday, 2 September 2012
Sunday, 19 August 2012
Wednesday, 4 July 2012
IT'S BEEN A STRANGE OLD TWO MONTHS.
I've found the idea of writing things down in a logical manner really difficult recently, because so many different things have been and are sitting in my head.
In no particular order:
Missing an overall First for second year by 2.9%
Being desperate for a First in my final degree
Missing Joe who was my best friend for many years but who I am not really in contact with at the moment/anymore
IBS/anxiety problems
Really wanting to know what my career aspirations are
My lost YouTube partnership
All of these are very negative, so I also want to list some things that have made me very happy the last two months:
Going to Madeira with my boyfriend and my family and swimming with dolphins in the wild
Discovering a love for jewellery that I have never really had before
Just learning to accessorise in general
Getting into makeup a bit (bear in mind I still can count the makeup items I use on one hand, but for me that is something new!)
Gradually regaining my vlogging confidence
Painting my nails incessantly
Despite two months of it being gone, I still have a long summer ahead of me. For the next month or so I am volunteering at my university as we have 4 of the Olympic teams staying on our campus to train for the Games. Aside from that, I don't have any specific plans. However I am really hoping (and aiming) that by the end of my summer I will have a better (and maybe even clear) idea of what it is I want to do after I graduate. When I was YouTubing loads a couple of years ago, and was a partner, and had a huge audience, I was set on being a TV presenter. Losing my confidence was so debilitating for me because I lost all of my ambition as well as my sense of self. But this summer I am going to work SO hard to build myself up again. I want to find something that I know I love to do, and I am going to throw myself into it. I am desperate to make something of myself. It may not involve fame or grandeur, but I want to create something that I am proud of. This summer I want it to be my YouTube channel again, and we shall see where that takes me. I want to get my outgoingness back again and make new friends and just be as happy as I used to be in myself.
I feel optimistic, which I know can be short-lived in everyone sometimes, but I think ultimately I have to feel optimistic because really, the future is going to happen whether I like it or not so I might as well charge at it with all I have.
And I'm not going to beat myself up if I find it hard to feel empowered in myself straight away, because I'm only human and even people who are confident and proud of themselves can slip back sometimes. That's what happened to me but there is nothing to say that I can't overcome it. I feel that I already am :D
Jocy (: x
PS! I don't think I ever blogged about this but I want to mention it now. For a couple of years I suffered with dermatillomania, which is a compulsive skin picking disorder. The bottoms of my feet were hideous; they were constantly hurting, bleeding and difficult to walk on, and I kept it hidden from 99% of people that I knew. However after probably over 2 years I managed to beat the habit and I haven't been limping anywhere for weeks now and the bottoms of my feet are completely smooth. Anyone who has suffered from any compulsive disorder will know how impossible it often seems to be able to stop yourself, so I am VERY happy with myself. I want to thank Stuart and my mum for always making me stop attacking my feet when I did it subconsciously, and my dad for being a good pharmacist and bringing me back some cream to help heal the wounds on my feet. (:
In no particular order:
Missing an overall First for second year by 2.9%
Being desperate for a First in my final degree
Missing Joe who was my best friend for many years but who I am not really in contact with at the moment/anymore
IBS/anxiety problems
Really wanting to know what my career aspirations are
My lost YouTube partnership
All of these are very negative, so I also want to list some things that have made me very happy the last two months:
Going to Madeira with my boyfriend and my family and swimming with dolphins in the wild
Discovering a love for jewellery that I have never really had before
Just learning to accessorise in general
Getting into makeup a bit (bear in mind I still can count the makeup items I use on one hand, but for me that is something new!)
Gradually regaining my vlogging confidence
Painting my nails incessantly
Despite two months of it being gone, I still have a long summer ahead of me. For the next month or so I am volunteering at my university as we have 4 of the Olympic teams staying on our campus to train for the Games. Aside from that, I don't have any specific plans. However I am really hoping (and aiming) that by the end of my summer I will have a better (and maybe even clear) idea of what it is I want to do after I graduate. When I was YouTubing loads a couple of years ago, and was a partner, and had a huge audience, I was set on being a TV presenter. Losing my confidence was so debilitating for me because I lost all of my ambition as well as my sense of self. But this summer I am going to work SO hard to build myself up again. I want to find something that I know I love to do, and I am going to throw myself into it. I am desperate to make something of myself. It may not involve fame or grandeur, but I want to create something that I am proud of. This summer I want it to be my YouTube channel again, and we shall see where that takes me. I want to get my outgoingness back again and make new friends and just be as happy as I used to be in myself.
I feel optimistic, which I know can be short-lived in everyone sometimes, but I think ultimately I have to feel optimistic because really, the future is going to happen whether I like it or not so I might as well charge at it with all I have.
And I'm not going to beat myself up if I find it hard to feel empowered in myself straight away, because I'm only human and even people who are confident and proud of themselves can slip back sometimes. That's what happened to me but there is nothing to say that I can't overcome it. I feel that I already am :D
Jocy (: x
PS! I don't think I ever blogged about this but I want to mention it now. For a couple of years I suffered with dermatillomania, which is a compulsive skin picking disorder. The bottoms of my feet were hideous; they were constantly hurting, bleeding and difficult to walk on, and I kept it hidden from 99% of people that I knew. However after probably over 2 years I managed to beat the habit and I haven't been limping anywhere for weeks now and the bottoms of my feet are completely smooth. Anyone who has suffered from any compulsive disorder will know how impossible it often seems to be able to stop yourself, so I am VERY happy with myself. I want to thank Stuart and my mum for always making me stop attacking my feet when I did it subconsciously, and my dad for being a good pharmacist and bringing me back some cream to help heal the wounds on my feet. (:
Wednesday, 25 April 2012
Second year of university = done.
What goes to show how long it's been since I blogged is that I've had the new Blogspot interface for AGES but when I clicked "New Post" I only just saw this new window thing for the very first time.
I've been fairly busy, but that hasn't been the most consuming thing. What has consumed me is the fact that the things I've been doing have all been vitally important to how the rest of my life will probably pan out.
Yes, that seems (and probably is) exaggerated, but right now, at this moment in time, I feel like everything depends on my final degree classification. Which I'd like to hope it doesn't, but that's what it seems like now. And last semester I don't feel like the grades I got were entirely what I expected/wanted/had hoped for. So this semester I've gone a bit MAD with effort. And I feel like it has paid off, although knowing me I've just horrendously jinxed it.
My favourite module was probably Music, Culture and Technology. This shocked me, as it was my only 100% theory module. But I absolutely LOVED it. It was about the music industry, the technology behind it, the theory behind it, history, people, everything. We learnt about cassettes, vinyls, singles, race, gender, class, really amazingly interesting stuff. What made it perfect was the lecturer, Lee, who is absolutely brilliant. I really loved this module particularly because every week we had to write an 150 word blog in response to the lecture, and each blog was worth 10%, and there was 10 of them. So this was 50% of the module, and the other 50% was an essay. I got a First on the essay, and 6 out of the 10 blogs were a First (3 2:1s and a 2:2) so IF MY AVERAGES ARE CORRECT (please whoever is in charge of these things let them correct) I got a First overall. HUZZAH!
My second favourite module was Magazines, Culture and Society. 50% of the module was a report on a magazine of our choice, for which I chose Wanderlust which is a brilliant British travel magazine. For the other 50% we had to produce an extract from a magazine, of the same genre as the one we did our report on. So I made 11 pages from a travel magazine inspired by Wanderlust. It was my proudest piece of practical work ever, and handing it in today actually hurt me inside a little bit! I can't wait to get it back and show my family. I don't even mind that I spent £75 getting it printed all fancy like - I wanted to show it off best I could!
Another module that I really liked was Video Production, for which me and my group had to make an advert for Domestos. It went well, and I will probably put it on YouTube soon for people to have a look at if they would like to.
My last module was Radio Production, and this was my biggest struggle as such. I didn't find it difficult, as I am confident talking in front of an audience, and I am competent when it comes to editing. But it was more of a state-of-mind issue that I had, but I think hopefully I overcame it and that my final result is good. We had to do a radio talk (40%) and I know that bit went well, and then a 5 minute radio feature (60%). Fingers crossed with that.
Ultimately, looking back, this semester went incredibly well. Just one First would make me ecstatic, but I'm holding on to the hope that I may have maybe got another one. We'll see.
So yes, that is my second year of university over with. I'm not happy with this for two reasons. The first reason is that this semester has been horrifically short and therefore I do not feel I have got value for money AT ALL when it comes to tuition fees. And secondly, it means I'm two thirds through, and it's going outrageously fast. Ugh.
I'm very excited about third year, as the modules I've picked all sound brilliant. I'll write about them more another time. Right now my eyes are aching from tiredness and I'm contemplating another slice of cherry tart.
I hope everyone's well, let me know.
xxx
I've been fairly busy, but that hasn't been the most consuming thing. What has consumed me is the fact that the things I've been doing have all been vitally important to how the rest of my life will probably pan out.
Yes, that seems (and probably is) exaggerated, but right now, at this moment in time, I feel like everything depends on my final degree classification. Which I'd like to hope it doesn't, but that's what it seems like now. And last semester I don't feel like the grades I got were entirely what I expected/wanted/had hoped for. So this semester I've gone a bit MAD with effort. And I feel like it has paid off, although knowing me I've just horrendously jinxed it.
My favourite module was probably Music, Culture and Technology. This shocked me, as it was my only 100% theory module. But I absolutely LOVED it. It was about the music industry, the technology behind it, the theory behind it, history, people, everything. We learnt about cassettes, vinyls, singles, race, gender, class, really amazingly interesting stuff. What made it perfect was the lecturer, Lee, who is absolutely brilliant. I really loved this module particularly because every week we had to write an 150 word blog in response to the lecture, and each blog was worth 10%, and there was 10 of them. So this was 50% of the module, and the other 50% was an essay. I got a First on the essay, and 6 out of the 10 blogs were a First (3 2:1s and a 2:2) so IF MY AVERAGES ARE CORRECT (please whoever is in charge of these things let them correct) I got a First overall. HUZZAH!
My second favourite module was Magazines, Culture and Society. 50% of the module was a report on a magazine of our choice, for which I chose Wanderlust which is a brilliant British travel magazine. For the other 50% we had to produce an extract from a magazine, of the same genre as the one we did our report on. So I made 11 pages from a travel magazine inspired by Wanderlust. It was my proudest piece of practical work ever, and handing it in today actually hurt me inside a little bit! I can't wait to get it back and show my family. I don't even mind that I spent £75 getting it printed all fancy like - I wanted to show it off best I could!
Another module that I really liked was Video Production, for which me and my group had to make an advert for Domestos. It went well, and I will probably put it on YouTube soon for people to have a look at if they would like to.
My last module was Radio Production, and this was my biggest struggle as such. I didn't find it difficult, as I am confident talking in front of an audience, and I am competent when it comes to editing. But it was more of a state-of-mind issue that I had, but I think hopefully I overcame it and that my final result is good. We had to do a radio talk (40%) and I know that bit went well, and then a 5 minute radio feature (60%). Fingers crossed with that.
Ultimately, looking back, this semester went incredibly well. Just one First would make me ecstatic, but I'm holding on to the hope that I may have maybe got another one. We'll see.
So yes, that is my second year of university over with. I'm not happy with this for two reasons. The first reason is that this semester has been horrifically short and therefore I do not feel I have got value for money AT ALL when it comes to tuition fees. And secondly, it means I'm two thirds through, and it's going outrageously fast. Ugh.
I'm very excited about third year, as the modules I've picked all sound brilliant. I'll write about them more another time. Right now my eyes are aching from tiredness and I'm contemplating another slice of cherry tart.
I hope everyone's well, let me know.
xxx
Monday, 6 February 2012
God
I spend a lot of my life thinking about god. This would be unsurprising if I believed in god, but I don't.
I consider myself to be a Jewish atheist. Culturally, I'm very much so a Jew. But I do not believe in the religious side of it. This blog isn't about my explaining or justifying that. Many people turn their nose up at that, but I know 100% that that is what I feel like and that is what I am.
I don't know why I spend so much time thinking about god. Every time something bad or difficult happens I really do wish so much that I believed in god, because I can really imagine the comfort that level of faith must bring. I have several religious friends and can't help but be envious when they can just readily rely on their belief in god to get them through whatever hardship is thrown at them.
However, when good things happen and people thank god for them, it sits very uncomfortably with me. For example, thanking god for good exam results, getting something you've been wanting or for the recovery of an ill person. I think it is a huge insult to the human race to thank god for things like these rather than crediting the humans that contributed to them happening. Thanking god for good grades doesn't seem fair to the person who worked to achieve them. Thanking god for getting something you've been wanting doesn't do justice to the people who made the informed decisions along the way. Thanking god for health doesn't credit the healthcare professionals who spend their lives trying to make people better.
I've talked about this with a religious friend of mine and he said that the people who result in good things happening do so because god looks after them and helps them to do the things. That isn't fair either! It implies that people do good things because either a) god helps them or b) because they know god wants them too. Why can't it be accepted that some people do good things because they care about the people around them and because they want to do good things? Why does god have to get the credit? Why give the credit to an intangible being rather than to actual people who try their best?
When people go down the wrong path in life I know some religious friends of mine will "pray for them" and "ask god to lead them right". Which is a lovely notion, but why can't responsibility be given to the people themselves to set themselves straight? Everyone needs help sometimes, but why can't we step in to help them rather than asking god to do it for us?
I have so many questions.
I consider myself to be a Jewish atheist. Culturally, I'm very much so a Jew. But I do not believe in the religious side of it. This blog isn't about my explaining or justifying that. Many people turn their nose up at that, but I know 100% that that is what I feel like and that is what I am.
I don't know why I spend so much time thinking about god. Every time something bad or difficult happens I really do wish so much that I believed in god, because I can really imagine the comfort that level of faith must bring. I have several religious friends and can't help but be envious when they can just readily rely on their belief in god to get them through whatever hardship is thrown at them.
However, when good things happen and people thank god for them, it sits very uncomfortably with me. For example, thanking god for good exam results, getting something you've been wanting or for the recovery of an ill person. I think it is a huge insult to the human race to thank god for things like these rather than crediting the humans that contributed to them happening. Thanking god for good grades doesn't seem fair to the person who worked to achieve them. Thanking god for getting something you've been wanting doesn't do justice to the people who made the informed decisions along the way. Thanking god for health doesn't credit the healthcare professionals who spend their lives trying to make people better.
I've talked about this with a religious friend of mine and he said that the people who result in good things happening do so because god looks after them and helps them to do the things. That isn't fair either! It implies that people do good things because either a) god helps them or b) because they know god wants them too. Why can't it be accepted that some people do good things because they care about the people around them and because they want to do good things? Why does god have to get the credit? Why give the credit to an intangible being rather than to actual people who try their best?
When people go down the wrong path in life I know some religious friends of mine will "pray for them" and "ask god to lead them right". Which is a lovely notion, but why can't responsibility be given to the people themselves to set themselves straight? Everyone needs help sometimes, but why can't we step in to help them rather than asking god to do it for us?
I have so many questions.
Thursday, 26 January 2012
Grades
The other day I got my grades for my first semester of my second year at university. They are as follows:
Web Design - 54%, 2:2
Media Thinkers - 64%, 2:1
TV Studio Production - 64%, 2:1
Image & Visual Culture - 61%, 2:1
I'm really not sure how I feel about these grades.
I was totally fine about Web Design because I struggled with it in year 10 and I struggled with it this time too. HTML and coding and building the whole site had so many processes, and I've never been good at processes. This is why I always hated physics and maths, whilst I enjoyed humanities; they are more free thinking. So with Web Design I decided that rather than trying to be over-ambitious and not pulling it off I'd rather stick to my capabilities and get a firm pass, which I did.
Media Thinkers was a complicated module. I loved the subject and I loved the things I learnt, and I even loved the essay topics. LO AND BEHOLD I even loved WRITING THE ESSAYS. What I didn't love was the fact that with both essays I sent drafts to my lecturer to get feedback before I submitted my final one (feedback of which I followed) and I still only just got a 2:1. The way I see it, if I write an essay that needs improvement, the improvements I am suggested by the lecturer should allow me to achieve the highest possible grade. Call my crazy, but bearing in mind with the first essay I was only given 5 things to add (all of which I added) I did assume I'd done better than 64%. The second essay was even more ridiculous because all of the feedback I got for my draft was ALREADY IN MY ESSAY. And I still only scraped a 2:1. I've talked to the head of Media once about this and have got a meeting next week with the head of education or something, at which I can communicate my views on this. So even though I feel like I should have been given tuition that would have got me to a higher grade than a lower 2:1, I was unsurprised by my result.
TV Studio Production was a brilliant laugh, and I really, really enjoyed it. I am eager to get some feedback on my grade because I'd like to know where my portfolio blog lost marks because I thought I followed the instructions quite well.
Image and Visual Culture was hit and miss for me, I loved the practical side of it but struggled with the essay because we were restricted as to the sources we could reference, which for me was quite repressing. Additionally, my lecturer didn't have time to read my essay draft (I'm not going to go into this now because I'm still very cross) which I know was my downfall. I was so, so proud of my photo essay so I want to know what they didn't like about them. Essentially, I wanted to do very well in IVC, but as soon as I found that my essay draft wouldn't get read over, I lost hope.
For as long as I can remember I've been a perfectionist academically. I don't mean that I always achieve extremely highly, I mean that I always beat myself up when I don't. It began to an extreme when I got majority As at GCSE and was absolutely gutted they weren't A*s. I remember just HATING myself because I knew that I didn't work my absolute hardest, and I knew that if I had have worked my absolute hardest that I would have got A*s. When it came to A Level I had a pretty stressful time at school and the obstacles I encountered meant even I was quite pleased to get my ABBCE. And in my first year of university I got a First, which I was absolutely DELIGHTED about. So all I wanted to do this year was to reach the standard I had set myself and work and exert effort and do just as well again...
...which is why I'm not entirely sure why I'm not more upset about my three 2:1s. When I really think about it it's really quite upsetting, to know that working your hardest and putting in the most effort you could possibly put in is only worth 60.75%. Literally JUST a 2:1. Actually now I've got my calculator out and done the maths I feel a fair amount worse. I just want to excel. If I could look back on last semester and think "Well if I had done this/that/the other I would have probably done better" than fair play, I would have regrets due to not trying my best. But I cannot think of anything I could have done differently to get a higher grade.
I think this is about accepting my standard. My standard is only a 2:1. I need to work on eliminating my grand delusions of Firsts and just be okay with average.
Web Design - 54%, 2:2
Media Thinkers - 64%, 2:1
TV Studio Production - 64%, 2:1
Image & Visual Culture - 61%, 2:1
I'm really not sure how I feel about these grades.
I was totally fine about Web Design because I struggled with it in year 10 and I struggled with it this time too. HTML and coding and building the whole site had so many processes, and I've never been good at processes. This is why I always hated physics and maths, whilst I enjoyed humanities; they are more free thinking. So with Web Design I decided that rather than trying to be over-ambitious and not pulling it off I'd rather stick to my capabilities and get a firm pass, which I did.
Media Thinkers was a complicated module. I loved the subject and I loved the things I learnt, and I even loved the essay topics. LO AND BEHOLD I even loved WRITING THE ESSAYS. What I didn't love was the fact that with both essays I sent drafts to my lecturer to get feedback before I submitted my final one (feedback of which I followed) and I still only just got a 2:1. The way I see it, if I write an essay that needs improvement, the improvements I am suggested by the lecturer should allow me to achieve the highest possible grade. Call my crazy, but bearing in mind with the first essay I was only given 5 things to add (all of which I added) I did assume I'd done better than 64%. The second essay was even more ridiculous because all of the feedback I got for my draft was ALREADY IN MY ESSAY. And I still only scraped a 2:1. I've talked to the head of Media once about this and have got a meeting next week with the head of education or something, at which I can communicate my views on this. So even though I feel like I should have been given tuition that would have got me to a higher grade than a lower 2:1, I was unsurprised by my result.
TV Studio Production was a brilliant laugh, and I really, really enjoyed it. I am eager to get some feedback on my grade because I'd like to know where my portfolio blog lost marks because I thought I followed the instructions quite well.
Image and Visual Culture was hit and miss for me, I loved the practical side of it but struggled with the essay because we were restricted as to the sources we could reference, which for me was quite repressing. Additionally, my lecturer didn't have time to read my essay draft (I'm not going to go into this now because I'm still very cross) which I know was my downfall. I was so, so proud of my photo essay so I want to know what they didn't like about them. Essentially, I wanted to do very well in IVC, but as soon as I found that my essay draft wouldn't get read over, I lost hope.
For as long as I can remember I've been a perfectionist academically. I don't mean that I always achieve extremely highly, I mean that I always beat myself up when I don't. It began to an extreme when I got majority As at GCSE and was absolutely gutted they weren't A*s. I remember just HATING myself because I knew that I didn't work my absolute hardest, and I knew that if I had have worked my absolute hardest that I would have got A*s. When it came to A Level I had a pretty stressful time at school and the obstacles I encountered meant even I was quite pleased to get my ABBCE. And in my first year of university I got a First, which I was absolutely DELIGHTED about. So all I wanted to do this year was to reach the standard I had set myself and work and exert effort and do just as well again...
...which is why I'm not entirely sure why I'm not more upset about my three 2:1s. When I really think about it it's really quite upsetting, to know that working your hardest and putting in the most effort you could possibly put in is only worth 60.75%. Literally JUST a 2:1. Actually now I've got my calculator out and done the maths I feel a fair amount worse. I just want to excel. If I could look back on last semester and think "Well if I had done this/that/the other I would have probably done better" than fair play, I would have regrets due to not trying my best. But I cannot think of anything I could have done differently to get a higher grade.
I think this is about accepting my standard. My standard is only a 2:1. I need to work on eliminating my grand delusions of Firsts and just be okay with average.
Tuesday, 17 January 2012
Routine
I don't know how I feel about routine.
When I'm with my friends and it's the holidays and we have no obligations and just take each day as it comes I absolutely revel in the lack of routine. However, last semester when I adored all my modules and had my timetable learnt by heart I really loved the routine of when and where I had to be and what I was going to learn.
You'd think from this that I'd be one of those happy go lucky cruiser-alongers and to be honest, I'd love to be. Sometimes I am. Sometimes I take change in my stride and can just grit my teeth and deal with whatever is thrown at me. But more recently I've been extremely susceptible to stress and have been suffering from anxiety induced illness very frequently. As much as I don't know the precise reasons as to why I'm a bit of a mess at the moment, I'm really hoping that settling back into termtime routine from tomorrow will help my brain out. It will give me some more focuses and I'm hoping to distract my conscious from whatever is subconsciously messing with my head.
Saying that though, at this precise moment I feel really terrified about routine because what if I don't feel well and what if I have an anxiety attack and what if I'm not good at one of my modules and what if I fall out with a friend and what if one of my lecturers doesn't like me?
When I don't have a routine I can invest time into thinking and analysing and trying to sort these things out. What if I don't have time anymore?
Although maybe having too much time to think is my absolute downfall.
When I'm with my friends and it's the holidays and we have no obligations and just take each day as it comes I absolutely revel in the lack of routine. However, last semester when I adored all my modules and had my timetable learnt by heart I really loved the routine of when and where I had to be and what I was going to learn.
You'd think from this that I'd be one of those happy go lucky cruiser-alongers and to be honest, I'd love to be. Sometimes I am. Sometimes I take change in my stride and can just grit my teeth and deal with whatever is thrown at me. But more recently I've been extremely susceptible to stress and have been suffering from anxiety induced illness very frequently. As much as I don't know the precise reasons as to why I'm a bit of a mess at the moment, I'm really hoping that settling back into termtime routine from tomorrow will help my brain out. It will give me some more focuses and I'm hoping to distract my conscious from whatever is subconsciously messing with my head.
Saying that though, at this precise moment I feel really terrified about routine because what if I don't feel well and what if I have an anxiety attack and what if I'm not good at one of my modules and what if I fall out with a friend and what if one of my lecturers doesn't like me?
When I don't have a routine I can invest time into thinking and analysing and trying to sort these things out. What if I don't have time anymore?
Although maybe having too much time to think is my absolute downfall.
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