IT'S BEEN A STRANGE OLD TWO MONTHS.

I've found the idea of writing things down in a logical manner really difficult recently, because so many different things have been and are sitting in my head.

In no particular order:

Missing an overall First for second year by 2.9%
Being desperate for a First in my final degree
Missing Joe who was my best friend for many years but who I am not really in contact with at the moment/anymore
IBS/anxiety problems
Really wanting to know what my career aspirations are
My lost YouTube partnership

All of these are very negative, so I also want to list some things that have made me very happy the last two months:

Going to Madeira with my boyfriend and my family and swimming with dolphins in the wild

Discovering a love for jewellery that I have never really had before
Just learning to accessorise in general
Getting into makeup a bit (bear in mind I still can count the makeup items I use on one hand, but for me that is something new!)
Gradually regaining my vlogging confidence
Painting my nails incessantly

Despite two months of it being gone, I still have a long summer ahead of me. For the next month or so I am volunteering at my university as we have 4 of the Olympic teams staying on our campus to train for the Games. Aside from that, I don't have any specific plans. However I am really hoping (and aiming) that by the end of my summer I will have a better (and maybe even clear) idea of what it is I want to do after I graduate. When I was YouTubing loads a couple of years ago, and was a partner, and had a huge audience, I was set on being a TV presenter. Losing my confidence was so debilitating for me because I lost all of my ambition as well as my sense of self. But this summer I am going to work SO hard to build myself up again. I want to find something that I know I love to do, and I am going to throw myself into it. I am desperate to make something of myself. It may not involve fame or grandeur, but I want to create something that I am proud of. This summer I want it to be my YouTube channel again, and we shall see where that takes me. I want to get my outgoingness back again and make new friends and just be as happy as I used to be in myself.

I feel optimistic, which I know can be short-lived in everyone sometimes, but I think ultimately I have to feel optimistic because really, the future is going to happen whether I like it or not so I might as well charge at it with all I have.

And I'm not going to beat myself up if I find it hard to feel empowered in myself straight away, because I'm only human and even people who are confident and proud of themselves can slip back sometimes. That's what happened to me but there is nothing to say that I can't overcome it. I feel that I already am :D



Jocy (: x



PS! I don't think I ever blogged about this but I want to mention it now. For a couple of years I suffered with dermatillomania, which is a compulsive skin picking disorder. The bottoms of my feet were hideous; they were constantly hurting, bleeding and difficult to walk on, and I kept it hidden from 99% of people that I knew. However after probably over 2 years I managed to beat the habit and I haven't been limping anywhere for weeks now and the bottoms of my feet are completely smooth. Anyone who has suffered from any compulsive disorder will know how impossible it often seems to be able to stop yourself, so I am VERY happy with myself. I want to thank Stuart and my mum for always making me stop attacking my feet when I did it subconsciously, and my dad for being a good pharmacist and bringing me back some cream to help heal the wounds on my feet. (: