Grades

The other day I got my grades for my first semester of my second year at university. They are as follows:

Web Design - 54%, 2:2
Media Thinkers - 64%, 2:1
TV Studio Production - 64%, 2:1
Image & Visual Culture - 61%, 2:1

I'm really not sure how I feel about these grades.

I was totally fine about Web Design because I struggled with it in year 10 and I struggled with it this time too. HTML and coding and building the whole site had so many processes, and I've never been good at processes. This is why I always hated physics and maths, whilst I enjoyed humanities; they are more free thinking. So with Web Design I decided that rather than trying to be over-ambitious and not pulling it off I'd rather stick to my capabilities and get a firm pass, which I did.

Media Thinkers was a complicated module. I loved the subject and I loved the things I learnt, and I even loved the essay topics. LO AND BEHOLD I even loved WRITING THE ESSAYS. What I didn't love was the fact that with both essays I sent drafts to my lecturer to get feedback before I submitted my final one (feedback of which I followed) and I still only just got a 2:1. The way I see it, if I write an essay that needs improvement, the improvements I am suggested by the lecturer should allow me to achieve the highest possible grade. Call my crazy, but bearing in mind with the first essay I was only given 5 things to add (all of which I added) I did assume I'd done better than 64%. The second essay was even more ridiculous because all of the feedback I got for my draft was ALREADY IN MY ESSAY. And I still only scraped a 2:1. I've talked to the head of Media once about this and have got a meeting next week with the head of education or something, at which I can communicate my views on this. So even though I feel like I should have been given tuition that would have got me to a higher grade than a lower 2:1, I was unsurprised by my result.

TV Studio Production was a brilliant laugh, and I really, really enjoyed it. I am eager to get some feedback on my grade because I'd like to know where my portfolio blog lost marks because I thought I followed the instructions quite well.

Image and Visual Culture was hit and miss for me, I loved the practical side of it but struggled with the essay because we were restricted as to the sources we could reference, which for me was quite repressing. Additionally, my lecturer didn't have time to read my essay draft (I'm not going to go into this now because I'm still very cross) which I know was my downfall. I was so, so proud of my photo essay so I want to know what they didn't like about them. Essentially, I wanted to do very well in IVC, but as soon as I found that my essay draft wouldn't get read over, I lost hope.

For as long as I can remember I've been a perfectionist academically. I don't mean that I always achieve extremely highly, I mean that I always beat myself up when I don't. It began to an extreme when I got majority As at GCSE and was absolutely gutted they weren't A*s. I remember just HATING myself because I knew that I didn't work my absolute hardest, and I knew that if I had have worked my absolute hardest that I would have got A*s. When it came to A Level I had a pretty stressful time at school and the obstacles I encountered meant even I was quite pleased to get my ABBCE. And in my first year of university I got a First, which I was absolutely DELIGHTED about. So all I wanted to do this year was to reach the standard I had set myself and work and exert effort and do just as well again...

...which is why I'm not entirely sure why I'm not more upset about my three 2:1s. When I really think about it it's really quite upsetting, to know that working your hardest and putting in the most effort you could possibly put in is only worth 60.75%. Literally JUST a 2:1. Actually now I've got my calculator out and done the maths I feel a fair amount worse. I just want to excel. If I could look back on last semester and think "Well if I had done this/that/the other I would have probably done better" than fair play, I would have regrets due to not trying my best. But I cannot think of anything I could have done differently to get a higher grade.

I think this is about accepting my standard. My standard is only a 2:1. I need to work on eliminating my grand delusions of Firsts and just be okay with average.