Routine

I don't know how I feel about routine.

When I'm with my friends and it's the holidays and we have no obligations and just take each day as it comes I absolutely revel in the lack of routine. However, last semester when I adored all my modules and had my timetable learnt by heart I really loved the routine of when and where I had to be and what I was going to learn.

You'd think from this that I'd be one of those happy go lucky cruiser-alongers and to be honest, I'd love to be. Sometimes I am. Sometimes I take change in my stride and can just grit my teeth and deal with whatever is thrown at me. But more recently I've been extremely susceptible to stress and have been suffering from anxiety induced illness very frequently. As much as I don't know the precise reasons as to why I'm a bit of a mess at the moment, I'm really hoping that settling back into termtime routine from tomorrow will help my brain out. It will give me some more focuses and I'm hoping to distract my conscious from whatever is subconsciously messing with my head.

Saying that though, at this precise moment I feel really terrified about routine because what if I don't feel well and what if I have an anxiety attack and what if I'm not good at one of my modules and what if I fall out with a friend and what if one of my lecturers doesn't like me?

When I don't have a routine I can invest time into thinking and analysing and trying to sort these things out. What if I don't have time anymore?

Although maybe having too much time to think is my absolute downfall.