Second year of university = done.

What goes to show how long it's been since I blogged is that I've had the new Blogspot interface for AGES but when I clicked "New Post" I only just saw this new window thing for the very first time.

I've been fairly busy, but that hasn't been the most consuming thing. What has consumed me is the fact that the things I've been doing have all been vitally important to how the rest of my life will probably pan out.

Yes, that seems (and probably is) exaggerated, but right now, at this moment in time, I feel like everything depends on my final degree classification. Which I'd like to hope it doesn't, but that's what it seems like now. And last semester I don't feel like the grades I got were entirely what I expected/wanted/had hoped for. So this semester I've gone a bit MAD with effort. And I feel like it has paid off, although knowing me I've just horrendously jinxed it.

My favourite module was probably Music, Culture and Technology. This shocked me, as it was my only 100% theory module. But I absolutely LOVED it. It was about the music industry, the technology behind it, the theory behind it, history, people, everything. We learnt about cassettes, vinyls, singles, race, gender, class, really amazingly interesting stuff. What made it perfect was the lecturer, Lee, who is absolutely brilliant. I really loved this module particularly because every week we had to write an 150 word blog in response to the lecture, and each blog was worth 10%, and there was 10 of them. So this was 50% of the module, and the other 50% was an essay. I got a First on the essay, and 6 out of the 10 blogs were a First (3 2:1s and a 2:2) so IF MY AVERAGES ARE CORRECT (please whoever is in charge of these things let them correct) I got a First overall. HUZZAH!

My second favourite module was Magazines, Culture and Society. 50% of the module was a report on a magazine of our choice, for which I chose Wanderlust which is a brilliant British travel magazine. For the other 50% we had to produce an extract from a magazine, of the same genre as the one we did our report on. So I made 11 pages from a travel magazine inspired by Wanderlust. It was my proudest piece of practical work ever, and handing it in today actually hurt me inside a little bit! I can't wait to get it back and show my family. I don't even mind that I spent £75 getting it printed all fancy like - I wanted to show it off best I could!

Another module that I really liked was Video Production, for which me and my group had to make an advert for Domestos. It went well, and I will probably put it on YouTube soon for people to have a look at if they would like to.

My last module was Radio Production, and this was my biggest struggle as such. I didn't find it difficult, as I am confident talking in front of an audience, and I am competent when it comes to editing. But it was more of a state-of-mind issue that I had, but I think hopefully I overcame it and that my final result is good. We had to do a radio talk (40%) and I know that bit went well, and then a 5 minute radio feature (60%). Fingers crossed with that.

Ultimately, looking back, this semester went incredibly well. Just one First would make me ecstatic, but I'm holding on to the hope that I may have maybe got another one. We'll see.

So yes, that is my second year of university over with. I'm not happy with this for two reasons. The first reason is that this semester has been horrifically short and therefore I do not feel I have got value for money AT ALL when it comes to tuition fees. And secondly, it means I'm two thirds through, and it's going outrageously fast. Ugh.

I'm very excited about third year, as the modules I've picked all sound brilliant. I'll write about them more another time. Right now my eyes are aching from tiredness and I'm contemplating another slice of cherry tart.

I hope everyone's well, let me know.

xxx

God

I spend a lot of my life thinking about god. This would be unsurprising if I believed in god, but I don't.

I consider myself to be a Jewish atheist. Culturally, I'm very much so a Jew. But I do not believe in the religious side of it. This blog isn't about my explaining or justifying that. Many people turn their nose up at that, but I know 100% that that is what I feel like and that is what I am.

I don't know why I spend so much time thinking about god. Every time something bad or difficult happens I really do wish so much that I believed in god, because I can really imagine the comfort that level of faith must bring. I have several religious friends and can't help but be envious when they can just readily rely on their belief in god to get them through whatever hardship is thrown at them.

However, when good things happen and people thank god for them, it sits very uncomfortably with me. For example, thanking god for good exam results, getting something you've been wanting or for the recovery of an ill person. I think it is a huge insult to the human race to thank god for things like these rather than crediting the humans that contributed to them happening. Thanking god for good grades doesn't seem fair to the person who worked to achieve them. Thanking god for getting something you've been wanting doesn't do justice to the people who made the informed decisions along the way. Thanking god for health doesn't credit the healthcare professionals who spend their lives trying to make people better.

I've talked about this with a religious friend of mine and he said that the people who result in good things happening do so because god looks after them and helps them to do the things. That isn't fair either! It implies that people do good things because either a) god helps them or b) because they know god wants them too. Why can't it be accepted that some people do good things because they care about the people around them and because they want to do good things? Why does god have to get the credit? Why give the credit to an intangible being rather than to actual people who try their best?

When people go down the wrong path in life I know some religious friends of mine will "pray for them" and "ask god to lead them right". Which is a lovely notion, but why can't responsibility be given to the people themselves to set themselves straight? Everyone needs help sometimes, but why can't we step in to help them rather than asking god to do it for us?

I have so many questions.

Grades

The other day I got my grades for my first semester of my second year at university. They are as follows:

Web Design - 54%, 2:2
Media Thinkers - 64%, 2:1
TV Studio Production - 64%, 2:1
Image & Visual Culture - 61%, 2:1

I'm really not sure how I feel about these grades.

I was totally fine about Web Design because I struggled with it in year 10 and I struggled with it this time too. HTML and coding and building the whole site had so many processes, and I've never been good at processes. This is why I always hated physics and maths, whilst I enjoyed humanities; they are more free thinking. So with Web Design I decided that rather than trying to be over-ambitious and not pulling it off I'd rather stick to my capabilities and get a firm pass, which I did.

Media Thinkers was a complicated module. I loved the subject and I loved the things I learnt, and I even loved the essay topics. LO AND BEHOLD I even loved WRITING THE ESSAYS. What I didn't love was the fact that with both essays I sent drafts to my lecturer to get feedback before I submitted my final one (feedback of which I followed) and I still only just got a 2:1. The way I see it, if I write an essay that needs improvement, the improvements I am suggested by the lecturer should allow me to achieve the highest possible grade. Call my crazy, but bearing in mind with the first essay I was only given 5 things to add (all of which I added) I did assume I'd done better than 64%. The second essay was even more ridiculous because all of the feedback I got for my draft was ALREADY IN MY ESSAY. And I still only scraped a 2:1. I've talked to the head of Media once about this and have got a meeting next week with the head of education or something, at which I can communicate my views on this. So even though I feel like I should have been given tuition that would have got me to a higher grade than a lower 2:1, I was unsurprised by my result.

TV Studio Production was a brilliant laugh, and I really, really enjoyed it. I am eager to get some feedback on my grade because I'd like to know where my portfolio blog lost marks because I thought I followed the instructions quite well.

Image and Visual Culture was hit and miss for me, I loved the practical side of it but struggled with the essay because we were restricted as to the sources we could reference, which for me was quite repressing. Additionally, my lecturer didn't have time to read my essay draft (I'm not going to go into this now because I'm still very cross) which I know was my downfall. I was so, so proud of my photo essay so I want to know what they didn't like about them. Essentially, I wanted to do very well in IVC, but as soon as I found that my essay draft wouldn't get read over, I lost hope.

For as long as I can remember I've been a perfectionist academically. I don't mean that I always achieve extremely highly, I mean that I always beat myself up when I don't. It began to an extreme when I got majority As at GCSE and was absolutely gutted they weren't A*s. I remember just HATING myself because I knew that I didn't work my absolute hardest, and I knew that if I had have worked my absolute hardest that I would have got A*s. When it came to A Level I had a pretty stressful time at school and the obstacles I encountered meant even I was quite pleased to get my ABBCE. And in my first year of university I got a First, which I was absolutely DELIGHTED about. So all I wanted to do this year was to reach the standard I had set myself and work and exert effort and do just as well again...

...which is why I'm not entirely sure why I'm not more upset about my three 2:1s. When I really think about it it's really quite upsetting, to know that working your hardest and putting in the most effort you could possibly put in is only worth 60.75%. Literally JUST a 2:1. Actually now I've got my calculator out and done the maths I feel a fair amount worse. I just want to excel. If I could look back on last semester and think "Well if I had done this/that/the other I would have probably done better" than fair play, I would have regrets due to not trying my best. But I cannot think of anything I could have done differently to get a higher grade.

I think this is about accepting my standard. My standard is only a 2:1. I need to work on eliminating my grand delusions of Firsts and just be okay with average.

Routine

I don't know how I feel about routine.

When I'm with my friends and it's the holidays and we have no obligations and just take each day as it comes I absolutely revel in the lack of routine. However, last semester when I adored all my modules and had my timetable learnt by heart I really loved the routine of when and where I had to be and what I was going to learn.

You'd think from this that I'd be one of those happy go lucky cruiser-alongers and to be honest, I'd love to be. Sometimes I am. Sometimes I take change in my stride and can just grit my teeth and deal with whatever is thrown at me. But more recently I've been extremely susceptible to stress and have been suffering from anxiety induced illness very frequently. As much as I don't know the precise reasons as to why I'm a bit of a mess at the moment, I'm really hoping that settling back into termtime routine from tomorrow will help my brain out. It will give me some more focuses and I'm hoping to distract my conscious from whatever is subconsciously messing with my head.

Saying that though, at this precise moment I feel really terrified about routine because what if I don't feel well and what if I have an anxiety attack and what if I'm not good at one of my modules and what if I fall out with a friend and what if one of my lecturers doesn't like me?

When I don't have a routine I can invest time into thinking and analysing and trying to sort these things out. What if I don't have time anymore?

Although maybe having too much time to think is my absolute downfall.

Time

Everyone bangs on irritatingly about how quickly time flies. Unfortunately it's hard to get too annoyed by this cliche (or any cliche I suppose) because it is absolutely terrifyingly accurate, albeit overused. It's overused because it's so accurate. As soon as I got to the age of about 11 I started noticing the speed of life because I was at secondary school and for the first time really in my life I had two separate stages of time to differentiate between. So everything that happened at secondary school was suddenly comparable to when I was at primary school. For example, on my first ever residential trip when I was 12 we were in a dorm and would chat about what we did the months before, which was at primary school. And suddenly we could appreciate that tangible time had gone by because we had physically and emotionally moved to another place in life.

The thing that got me thinking about this particularly this time sounds frivolous but is rather poignant for me. Matt Willis posted a tweet saying that today is 7 years since Busted split up. They split up when I had just turned 13 and I had been a fan since I was 10. I was only one a few people I knew who loved them, and I covered all my school books with photos of them. I even had Busted pyjamas. I took great pride in the fact I was into a band who played actual instruments and I secretly loved that all my Black Eyed Peas-listening friends teased me for liking "grunger" music.

The morning that the split was announced was a school day and my dad came into my room quite early. He woke me up and broke the news and I remember just being in denial, telling him he must be wrong and convincing myself of the same. Then I got angry, wondering how they could do this to the fans. Then I got upset and cried most of the day. It was genuinely like the stages of grief, but compressed into 5 minutes.

All day at school people laughed at me and made fun of me and were delighted at how the "grunger" band had broken up.

Anyway, I'm gonna shut up and summarise the point I'm trying to make. The day I just described was 7 years ago. How can something so long ago still be so clear? This demonstrates the speed of life. Life goes so quickly that even something that occurred the best part of a decade ago is still in my mind, as fresh as if it were last month.

I don't know how this works.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I think the most asked question to young children is What do you want to be when you grow up? Every time a child meets someone new, their own age or older, they ask the question. Something I've noticed recently is that young children always have an answer to that question. I don't think I've ever heard a child under the age of about 11 reply with "I don't know" (and I've known a lot of young children as my mum has been childminding since I was 4).

But when someone asks ME that question now, at the age of 20, I have no blooming idea how to answer.

Children tend to get asked "What do you want to BE?" and they can list of a million characters that they want to embody; fireman, vet, doctor, teacher...the list is really and truly endless. And they don't second guess their own answer, they say the exact thing that they want to be when they grow up and they don't consider for a split second that anything or anyone would try and deter them or get in their way.

However, we as young adults seem to get asked "What do you want to DO?". We can't just give the name of a type of person we want to emulate in our career path. We have to stop and we have to think about the things we want to DO when we are older.

DOING and BEING are horribly different. I remember first being aware of this when I began learning secondary school French when I was 11 and we had to learn verbs and put them with être (to be) or faire (to do) and I'd sit there trying to process whether I do or be the verbs.

But honestly, they are very different. Being someone is just being that person, you are that person, that's who you are. Doing something entails a process, usually a personal one; doing things is effort and work.

I miss when I used to just have to decide what I wanted to be. Because I can easily tell you a million things I want to be...I want to be happy and healthy and talented and determined and I want to be with my family and my friends.

But when you're asked what you want to do you have to consider actual processes, and the actions you want to take to get things done. Which is essentially and conclusively much more complex and involved than just knowing what you want to be.

Ending 2011 and starting 2012

It's a few days late this year but I'm going to do my blog about the previous year, 2011 (: I think this is the 5th one of these I have done, which is pretty exciting to be honest. But anyway, I'm going to go through the aims etc I set at the start of last year and see how I got one.


AIMS FOR 2011

- Get 1400 subscribers on my YouTube channel
1343. To be fair this is the worst I've ever done at a subscriber aim, but it's less important to me now. I am making my videos more for me and my friends rather than the wider audience, which is right for me at the moment. I'm hugely appreciative of the people who still keep up to date with my channel (:

- Get over my psychological issues with blue cheese
Yes! Tried Stilton several times and really liked it!

- Get over my psychological issues with raw fish
No. This isn't going to happen.

- Go to Yo Sushi after I have completed prior aim
See above.

- Get my tattoo done
Totally gone off the idea of getting a tattoo, think I did at the start of the summer.

- Get involved in the radio at my university
I did go to one meeting about it but it's a disorganised system and they never contacted me back ):

- Get the dermatillomania to fugoff
I'm doing MUCH better (:

- Get at least a 2:1 in Media Arts and at least a 2:2 in Film and Popular Culture at the end of first year
I got a first in Media Arts and a very high 2:2 in Film (with a first on an essay and an exam), massively proud of myself (:

- Still keep in touch with all my friends from home
To the absolutely best of my ability, yes. Obviously we don't speak as often or see eachother as often but that is the way the cookie crumbles I suppose. It's nice knowing who is still there for me though (:

- Go on some sort of holiday with friends
YESSSSSS ohmygosh Spain was incredible :D

- Do lots of cooking/days out with Joe
We saw eachother a few times at the start of the year but then he decided he didn't want to be friends with me anymore

- Vlog MUCH more regularly
Sometimes I did, sometimes not. See the first point.

- Get a wide angle or a fish eye lens for my camera
Yep got a wide angle at last :D

- Get a place with Simon, Simon, Lizzie and Hannah (unless Simon ends up going to Australia ofc)
Living with Lizzie and Hannah with Tall Simon down the road and Small Simon is in England across the other side of Twicks (:

- Turn 20 without having a nervous breakdown
SUCCESS :D

- Buy something from the Abercrombie and Hollister store in Kingston XD
What was I thinking?

- Carry on learning to not be paranoid about what people think of me
Well I tried...

THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO IN 2011

- My Chemical Romance with Simon!
AMAZING

- Les Mis with the other Simon!
AMAZING

- Getting a place with friends when we have to move out of halls
Nice

- Another 5 months in halls :D
Best thing ever, wish I were back there ):

- Making even more new friends at university
Lots (:

- More of my Media course
Adore it

- Everything really. I'm just so excited about everything to come!
Lovely. Lovely lovely lovely (:

And I also found at the end of the last end of year blog I wrote this:

"PS...It's mega weird to think that the next time I read this will probably be at the end of 2011. 365 days will have gone by and I will be reading it like OMFG IT'S GONE SO FAST! And I'll be TWENTY. Future Jocy, seriously, please don't mature. That would be your biggest and most boring mistake ever."

I think I can say truly and honestly, OMFG IT'S GONE SO FAST. Also, yes I am 20. And don't worry past Jocy, I didn't mature. I haven't made that big and boring mistake yet (:


And now the bit when I set my aims and things for the coming year, 2012!

AIMS FOR 2012
- Continue enjoying my course
- Get a 2:1 at the end of second year
- Stay with Stuart
- Not have arguments
- Lose weight
- Keep my hair in good conditioning PARTICULARLY by not straightening it very much at all
- Start thinking seriously about what I want to do after uni
- Turn 21 in a calm and sensible fashion :D
- Do not get mature. That would be tragic.
- Do something lovely with Stuart for our one year annimaversary (:
- Sort out my anxiety issues and just feel less ill and more healthy

THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO IN 2012
- Completely the second year of my course
- Going to Madeira with my family and Stuart and uncle Warren
- Michael McIntyre with Stuart and his family
- Green Day American Idiot musical!!!!!
- NEW YORK
- Losing weight

I cannot believe it is 2012. I remember when we won the Olympic bid in 2005 when I was 13, 7 years ago. I remember how excited everyone was and how it seemed so far into the future and when I asked my mum if we could go she told me that I'd be nearly 21 by then and wouldn't need her to come with me. And back then I couldn't fathom that. And SURE AS HELLIO it happened, holy guacamole. Luckily I feel in the exact same mindset as I did back then from a JOCY point of view. Obviously in some senses I'm older but I'm essentially the exact same person.

2011 was insane. Falling in love with Stuart being the most notable of all insanities XD Joe parting ways from me being another insanity. Both of these things I just didn't think would happen, and have showed me that literally anything can and will happen, good or bad, whether you expect it or not.

Ultimately, it's been incredible. Hello 2012 (: