A blog in progress

Ten highlights of 2011

10. Halls
9. Animal park with Stu, Becky and Ben
8. Decorating my room
7. Breaking into the loft
6. Getting stuck in the lift
5. Segway around Bruges
4. Barry Roadtrip
3. Falling down Primrose Hill
2. Spain
1. Stuart

OMG WTF 2011

So I usually wait until new year's eve until I do my big reminiscent and sentimental blog about the past year and the forthcoming one, and whilst I am not saying I shan't be doing one next week too, there are some things I want to talk about now as well.

Firstly...HOW DID ANY OF THIS HAPPEN?! Like seriously. Some things happened this year that I honest to god would not have thought possible in a MONTH OF SUNDAYS. Ps where does that saying come from? I'm quoting the grandpa in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, but seriously that makes no sense. I know what he means though, and it is also what I mean.

Back to it. WHAT THE HELL. HOW. WHY. Ugh. I'm not complaining, but I'm just really not comprehending. I think for my own sake I need to write this down, because it's a mush in my head. Let's give this some order.

FIRST THING:
Jocy Got A Boyfriend Who She Loves To Absolute Pieces And Who Loves Her This Much Back
I am not going to do a poor little me act, because I've never worried about boys not liking me, or even particularly thought that boys didn't like me. But whilst my friends were worrying about GETTING boys to like them I really couldn't be bothered and I was of the mentality that when it happened it would happen. I just didn't think I was correct.
But lo and behold, I was. Circumstantially, me and Stuart even crossing paths was so unlikely that it genuinely terrifies me to think about. He had trouble hearing back from our uni, I applied totally last minute, I didn't get a place in Halls till a week before moving in and prior to that I didn't even APPLY for the Halls I eventually DID get put in. Stuart is doing sport, I'm doing media. There is NO WAY IN HELL that we would have met if it wasn't for the PURE CHANCE that we were placed down the same corridor. This terrifies me. Everything is so freaking unlikely, and when amazing stuff happens there is more of chance that it wouldn't have happened. Maybe this is why every day of my life I can't believe I'm with Stuart. Or maybe it's because he is quite literally everything I have ever heard any of my girl friends wish they had in a boyfriend. I'm just so unbelievably lucky, that's all there is to it, it is pure categorical luck that we met, and that makes it even more bloomin' incredible.

SECOND THING:
Not Drinking Is Still Proving To Be An Obstacles With Friendships
I've grown apart from some uni people this year. There is NO WAY I would be arrogant enough as to claim it is no one's fault, because of course it is. We are all busy, and it is so much harder to keep in contact outside of Halls, especially when we are scattered over a few miles. But they all see eachother when they go out clubbing or drinking, and I DESPISE these pursuits. Granted, when I was at school it actually lost me friends whereas now it just makes it harder to relate to people, and for them to relate to me. But I am baffled by the fact that it's still somewhat of a downfall. It feels a bit unfair. But I know I'm the minority. But I really did think that as I got older the novelty of alcohol and parties would wear off for people. How naive of me. I'm not slating anyone who likes this stuff, I just can't believe that it's still getting in the way of other thought processes in my brain.

THIRD THING:
Jocy And Joe Are Not Really Anything Anymore
Let me tell you this for a fact, if it were up to me, Joe would still be my best friend. Because ultimately I really couldn't give a flying fart how much he annoyed me, there is nothing he could do that was bad enough for me to not want him in my life anymore. Unfortunately this is not an outlook he shared (though I'd be lying if I said I thought he didn't think like this up until this all happened). What adds insult to injury is that I feel the FALL-OUT was entirely unjustified. And then there was the whole Facebook message in which he told me we shouldn't talk for a while and 3 days later he had deleted me off Facebook. I guess not talking for a while didn't actually mean not talking for a while, it meant he didn't want any contact with me ever again. Which is pretty hurtful and was without a doubt the worst thing that happened to me this year. Or in maybe quite a few years. I never thought this would happen. Ugh I do not want to get upset now but how can I not be? I don't want to not be friends with him anymore. I have some of my best memories with him, and I just want him back if I'm totally honest. I planned on this section being all like "Ho hum, c'est la vie" but as much as this IS life, this is also unbelievably shit. I kind of feel like he's died, because he's not in my life anymore as anything other than a memory. That's what death is to the people left behind. I'm bloody glad he's not dead, which I did text him to tell him last month (he didn't reply), but I wish he was still ALIVE IN MY LIFE for want of a less cliche phrase. In the unlikely event that he reads this (he's unfollowed me from everything he originally followed me on) I would quite like him to know that I miss the hell out of him and as much as I'm fairly furious at how this whole situation was dealt with, I'd have never been the one to throw him away.

FOURTH THING:
Jocy Moved Into A Flat
For 18 years I lived with my parents. Then for a year I lived in a protective bubble on campus. Now I live in a flat, with a rent, without supervision of any kind. There isn't much to say about this other than APOGDSHFJKGFCVX#old

Okay well I thought there would be more things to this but it turns out there's not. I think this explains the general gist of my brain round about now. We can summarise this in 4 concise points:

1. JOCY LOVES STUART LOADS
2. JOCY STILL DOESN'T LIKE ALCOHOL
3. JOE DOESN'T LIKE JOCY
4. JOCY HAS FLAT

Good night and merry holidays x

ALSO.

In the new year I'm going to buy a set of scales, one that show up a digital number so that nothing can be misconstrued. And I'm going to stand religiously on those scales every single day and read that hideous number if that isn't enough to make me stop eating then nothing will be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BLOG.

Finished uni for the semester. Worked my absolute behind off like never before. Got one assignment back and did not do as well as I had hoped. Kind of dreading getting the rest back because doing not as well as you hoped is ten times worse when you know you tried your absolute best.

I really can't write a big blog post now because I've had a mega long day and still haven't been to sleep on account of the billion decibel wind and rain storm outside that has been blazing for the last god knows how many hours.

But I really want to vlog and blog more regularly because legacies are important.

So my officially December 13th resolution is to do just that.

Good night, for now x

Getting over things

I've never really understood the concept of "getting over" something. What does it even mean? I spose the context I've heard it in most was when my friends broke up with they boy/girlfriends at secondary school and used to say things like "I'll never get over him/her" and "How do I get over him/her?" And I always used to wonder, why do you WANT to get over them?

I don't for a moment think that it's healthy to never "get over" someone. But I don't think it's particularly healthy to entirely "get over" someone who impacted your life, whether it be in a good way or a bad way.

I can relate this to two things in my life. The first was this guy I liked for a few years in secondary school. Nothing really ever happened, but I only "got over" him when I got to uni and didn't have to see him every day. And by "got over" I mean that I stopped fancying him. But I haven't REALLY "got over" it because it still makes me sad when I think about how much he messed me around. But I don't think this is a bad thing. I think that it's fine for the remnants of a past ANYTHING to linger. It shows that it had an effect on you, and is affecting how you live your life today. It is proof that the experience moulded you. I love my boyfriend to absolute pieces (even more so than I did the last time I wrote that in my blog probably) but that doesn't detract from how I used to feel about the person that I used to fancy. And that's fine. Because how happy I am now with Stuart just reaffirms how not happy the person I used to like made me, and how not happy I would have essentially have been if it were him I'd ended up with. So I really don't want to ever FULLY "get over" the guy because then how would I be so sure of how much I love Stuart if I had nothing to gauge it against? I learnt so much from that whole shebang, and I don't want to be over it.

The other thing I can relate this to is much more fresh on my mind because it happened more recently. I wouldn't have blogged about it had the person it happened with not deleted me off Facebook, because as far as I'm concerned, this day in age that is the do or die in wanting to cut contact with someone. So I don't feel like I'm invading anything by writing it here. The short and short of it is that I'm not best friends with the person who I was best friends with for abour 5 years anymore. I feel fine about it at the moment, but I know that's because it hasn't sunk in yet. Once it hits me properly I'll probably cry for ages. And then I'll be fine. I'll "get over it". Somehow, "getting over it" seems a more attractive choice in this example than in the above. Maybe it's because I still feel angry about it, maybe it's because I feel I've been unfairly treated, or maybe it's because I just cannot bear to hang onto anything to do with him any longer. Part of me really REALLY wants to "get over" it. I can't listen to the music of the bands we saw in concert together. I can't look at photos of us from over the years. I just want no emotional/tangible link to anything to do with him and what we had as best friends. I think I do really honestly want to get over him. Or maybe I don't, maybe it's just because of the reasons I aforementioned.

So the past few hours I've been trying to work out, how do you get over someone who helped to mould most aspects of you? I feel like he'll never be gone from my life because there's barely anything I can think of that doesn't relate to something we had at some point or another. I want to throw everything of his that I own away, I want to erase as much of him as possible. I'm not going to do these things because I'm probably just being dramatic because it's still sore. Deep down I know that it's not healthy to "get over" it. I should be able to see that in hindsight our friendship wasn't meant to be forever like we both thought. And I should be able to look back and smile at what was. At the moment I can't do this, but this is what I'm aiming for. After all, I was the one who was deleted. I would never be the deleter. This is how I know I can't get rid of all of his stuff and erase all of our photos together. Because I can't DO deleting. I'm too obsessed with photos and blogs and videos. It's in my nature to record things.

Conclusively, this is why I think I do not believe in getting over anything. It should always be there. A legacy of what was. Whether it was a good thing or a bad thing. It was, and it should remain.

I'm sitting in the ref at uni. Last year I must have eaten over 100 meals here, each one sitting with a group of the best people I have ever met. I've got some of my best memories in this room. Banoffee pie and curly fries, becoming obsessed with the salad bar, facepalming the incompetence of the staff and making vlogs in here right at the end. Every face in here always looked familiar, even the ones belonging to people I never spoke to or met. And when we were finished we would walk back to Halls and within 10 minutes we were piled into someone's room doing something or other, but always laughing.

I'm sitting in the ref. I'm waiting for Stuart to come out of his lecture. I've never waited for someone in the ref before because I always went back to my room and waited there. But now I have to wait here. No one looks familiar because every face is new. Everyone is younger than me. I haven't got a group of people sitting with me to laugh with because this isn't our domain anymore. We have been turfed out and thrown into the next stage of our lives, and in this stage we don't have the self-enclosed university campus to rely on for our daily routine anymore.

I think I feel jealous more than anything, solely because my first year of uni was the best time of my life so far. I'm jealous of the people who are just embarking on it because I know that even if their experience is half as good as mine then it will be absolutely incredible. They've got hours in the ref to look forward to in which they will create their own memories that will be some of the best they've ever had.

I'm very much looking forward to being settled in my new routine of living off-campus so that it can hopefully be just as, if not more amazing than my year in Halls was.

I know from experience that life isn't about where you are, it's about who you're with. And I'm still with the same favourite people so I believe I can continue having a brilliant time, even if my stint in Halls is over.