I've never really understood the concept of "getting over" something. What does it even mean? I spose the context I've heard it in most was when my friends broke up with they boy/girlfriends at secondary school and used to say things like "I'll never get over him/her" and "How do I get over him/her?" And I always used to wonder, why do you WANT to get over them?
I don't for a moment think that it's healthy to never "get over" someone. But I don't think it's particularly healthy to entirely "get over" someone who impacted your life, whether it be in a good way or a bad way.
I can relate this to two things in my life. The first was this guy I liked for a few years in secondary school. Nothing really ever happened, but I only "got over" him when I got to uni and didn't have to see him every day. And by "got over" I mean that I stopped fancying him. But I haven't REALLY "got over" it because it still makes me sad when I think about how much he messed me around. But I don't think this is a bad thing. I think that it's fine for the remnants of a past ANYTHING to linger. It shows that it had an effect on you, and is affecting how you live your life today. It is proof that the experience moulded you. I love my boyfriend to absolute pieces (even more so than I did the last time I wrote that in my blog probably) but that doesn't detract from how I used to feel about the person that I used to fancy. And that's fine. Because how happy I am now with Stuart just reaffirms how not happy the person I used to like made me, and how not happy I would have essentially have been if it were him I'd ended up with. So I really don't want to ever FULLY "get over" the guy because then how would I be so sure of how much I love Stuart if I had nothing to gauge it against? I learnt so much from that whole shebang, and I don't want to be over it.
The other thing I can relate this to is much more fresh on my mind because it happened more recently. I wouldn't have blogged about it had the person it happened with not deleted me off Facebook, because as far as I'm concerned, this day in age that is the do or die in wanting to cut contact with someone. So I don't feel like I'm invading anything by writing it here. The short and short of it is that I'm not best friends with the person who I was best friends with for abour 5 years anymore. I feel fine about it at the moment, but I know that's because it hasn't sunk in yet. Once it hits me properly I'll probably cry for ages. And then I'll be fine. I'll "get over it". Somehow, "getting over it" seems a more attractive choice in this example than in the above. Maybe it's because I still feel angry about it, maybe it's because I feel I've been unfairly treated, or maybe it's because I just cannot bear to hang onto anything to do with him any longer. Part of me really REALLY wants to "get over" it. I can't listen to the music of the bands we saw in concert together. I can't look at photos of us from over the years. I just want no emotional/tangible link to anything to do with him and what we had as best friends. I think I do really honestly want to get over him. Or maybe I don't, maybe it's just because of the reasons I aforementioned.
So the past few hours I've been trying to work out, how do you get over someone who helped to mould most aspects of you? I feel like he'll never be gone from my life because there's barely anything I can think of that doesn't relate to something we had at some point or another. I want to throw everything of his that I own away, I want to erase as much of him as possible. I'm not going to do these things because I'm probably just being dramatic because it's still sore. Deep down I know that it's not healthy to "get over" it. I should be able to see that in hindsight our friendship wasn't meant to be forever like we both thought. And I should be able to look back and smile at what was. At the moment I can't do this, but this is what I'm aiming for. After all, I was the one who was deleted. I would never be the deleter. This is how I know I can't get rid of all of his stuff and erase all of our photos together. Because I can't DO deleting. I'm too obsessed with photos and blogs and videos. It's in my nature to record things.
Conclusively, this is why I think I do not believe in getting over anything. It should always be there. A legacy of what was. Whether it was a good thing or a bad thing. It was, and it should remain.
Tuesday, 25 October 2011
Tuesday, 13 September 2011
I'm sitting in the ref at uni. Last year I must have eaten over 100 meals here, each one sitting with a group of the best people I have ever met. I've got some of my best memories in this room. Banoffee pie and curly fries, becoming obsessed with the salad bar, facepalming the incompetence of the staff and making vlogs in here right at the end. Every face in here always looked familiar, even the ones belonging to people I never spoke to or met. And when we were finished we would walk back to Halls and within 10 minutes we were piled into someone's room doing something or other, but always laughing.
I'm sitting in the ref. I'm waiting for Stuart to come out of his lecture. I've never waited for someone in the ref before because I always went back to my room and waited there. But now I have to wait here. No one looks familiar because every face is new. Everyone is younger than me. I haven't got a group of people sitting with me to laugh with because this isn't our domain anymore. We have been turfed out and thrown into the next stage of our lives, and in this stage we don't have the self-enclosed university campus to rely on for our daily routine anymore.
I think I feel jealous more than anything, solely because my first year of uni was the best time of my life so far. I'm jealous of the people who are just embarking on it because I know that even if their experience is half as good as mine then it will be absolutely incredible. They've got hours in the ref to look forward to in which they will create their own memories that will be some of the best they've ever had.
I'm very much looking forward to being settled in my new routine of living off-campus so that it can hopefully be just as, if not more amazing than my year in Halls was.
I know from experience that life isn't about where you are, it's about who you're with. And I'm still with the same favourite people so I believe I can continue having a brilliant time, even if my stint in Halls is over.
I'm sitting in the ref. I'm waiting for Stuart to come out of his lecture. I've never waited for someone in the ref before because I always went back to my room and waited there. But now I have to wait here. No one looks familiar because every face is new. Everyone is younger than me. I haven't got a group of people sitting with me to laugh with because this isn't our domain anymore. We have been turfed out and thrown into the next stage of our lives, and in this stage we don't have the self-enclosed university campus to rely on for our daily routine anymore.
I think I feel jealous more than anything, solely because my first year of uni was the best time of my life so far. I'm jealous of the people who are just embarking on it because I know that even if their experience is half as good as mine then it will be absolutely incredible. They've got hours in the ref to look forward to in which they will create their own memories that will be some of the best they've ever had.
I'm very much looking forward to being settled in my new routine of living off-campus so that it can hopefully be just as, if not more amazing than my year in Halls was.
I know from experience that life isn't about where you are, it's about who you're with. And I'm still with the same favourite people so I believe I can continue having a brilliant time, even if my stint in Halls is over.
Monday, 15 August 2011
This blog could easily have a million chapters.
I have so much stuff that I want to get off of my chest. I want to be creative but I don't feel like vlogging is a feasible way to do this at the moment. I wish I could explain that in greater depth, for my own sake, but I really can't. I just know that I'm not really feeling up to making videos at the moment. Which has had some horrific knock-on effects, or maybe this is the knock-on effect from other things, but either way, it's terrible. I hopefully will be able to talk about that more in the very near future.
So instead I'm going to talk about something that has been angering the hell out of me lately. Basically, a lot of people I know (from primary school and secondary school mostly) have been having babies lately, very young. As in from the ages of 16-19. This isn't what's angering me. What's angering me is this one particular girl who I went to school with who had a baby at 18 and in my mind is an absolutely diabolical mother. It scares me that I feel this strongly about it because I know that I am in no means qualified to do so. But this girl has been posting stuff on Facebook lately that has made my blood utterly boil. I shouldn't do this really, but I'm going to have to paste the status she posted earlier.
"Some On Just Got Off The Train Which Was Full Of Pakis With A 'Team BMP' Top On Hhe Must Be Feeling Brave lool :P x"
I'm not going to pass judgement on the absolutely atrocious spelling and grammar (ahem), but the content of this status, I'm going to judge the absolute hell out of that.
She's a mother who casually refers to minorities as "pakis" and thinks that she supports the "BMP". It would be bad enough if she supported the BNP, but the fact that she is so illiterate (and presumable deaf?) that she doesn't even know that it's the BNP (British National Party) as opposed to the British Mational Party. She doesn't know what the acronym of the political party that she apparently supports stands for. This is ridiculous in itself, but what takes this to a whole new level of absolute tragedy is that the BNP are a fascist group of neo-Nazis who want everyone but the "true British" out of the country. It's run by a HOLOCAUST DENIER.
As a Jew with absolutely no "British" blood (every single one of my great grandparents is from Eastern Europe) and who believes firmly in multi-culturalism I am quite frankly terrified of anyone who supports such a party. But what terrifies me more is that the girl who posted this has a baby daughter who has a mother who is going to raise her in such a way that she is going to be indoctrinated with racist ideals, and really, what hope does that give her? More so, what hope does that give us? That mothers are willing to be so casually racist in such a public domain as Facebook, mothers who have small children to bring up. The figure of speech, "bring up" seems somewhat contrary here, because to me, forcing BNP levels of racism upon your young family is knocking them down more than bringing them up.
Which brings me to the question I have been asking myself since I saw the status she posted this evening: Is she a bad mother?
The other side of the coin is that the majority of her other statuses (aside from "The BMP Wouldn't Let This Happen David Cameron Needs To Go!" on Monday night during the worst of the rioting - ironic bearing in mind lots of white people were involved too) are about how much she adores her daughter. She takes her on holiday, she quite clearly loves her a lot. But does this really go hand-in-hand with her being a blatant racist? To me, it does not. Her daughter will grow up being loved, I would never dispute that. But her daughter will also grow up hating ethnic minorities. Which in my eyes makes her destined to be a bad human and a negative contribution to society already. Surely the process of "bringing up" is to create a worthy, good citizen? It is in my eyes.
So I have come to the conclusion that in my opinion, this girl is not a good mother. She can buy her daughter all the toys in the world and shower her with as many cuddles and kisses as is humanely possible. But if her daughter is going to grow up to be a racist due to her mother's racist influence, then I do not believe she has been parented in a good way.
So instead I'm going to talk about something that has been angering the hell out of me lately. Basically, a lot of people I know (from primary school and secondary school mostly) have been having babies lately, very young. As in from the ages of 16-19. This isn't what's angering me. What's angering me is this one particular girl who I went to school with who had a baby at 18 and in my mind is an absolutely diabolical mother. It scares me that I feel this strongly about it because I know that I am in no means qualified to do so. But this girl has been posting stuff on Facebook lately that has made my blood utterly boil. I shouldn't do this really, but I'm going to have to paste the status she posted earlier.
"Some On Just Got Off The Train Which Was Full Of Pakis With A 'Team BMP' Top On Hhe Must Be Feeling Brave lool :P x"
I'm not going to pass judgement on the absolutely atrocious spelling and grammar (ahem), but the content of this status, I'm going to judge the absolute hell out of that.
She's a mother who casually refers to minorities as "pakis" and thinks that she supports the "BMP". It would be bad enough if she supported the BNP, but the fact that she is so illiterate (and presumable deaf?) that she doesn't even know that it's the BNP (British National Party) as opposed to the British Mational Party. She doesn't know what the acronym of the political party that she apparently supports stands for. This is ridiculous in itself, but what takes this to a whole new level of absolute tragedy is that the BNP are a fascist group of neo-Nazis who want everyone but the "true British" out of the country. It's run by a HOLOCAUST DENIER.
As a Jew with absolutely no "British" blood (every single one of my great grandparents is from Eastern Europe) and who believes firmly in multi-culturalism I am quite frankly terrified of anyone who supports such a party. But what terrifies me more is that the girl who posted this has a baby daughter who has a mother who is going to raise her in such a way that she is going to be indoctrinated with racist ideals, and really, what hope does that give her? More so, what hope does that give us? That mothers are willing to be so casually racist in such a public domain as Facebook, mothers who have small children to bring up. The figure of speech, "bring up" seems somewhat contrary here, because to me, forcing BNP levels of racism upon your young family is knocking them down more than bringing them up.
Which brings me to the question I have been asking myself since I saw the status she posted this evening: Is she a bad mother?
The other side of the coin is that the majority of her other statuses (aside from "The BMP Wouldn't Let This Happen David Cameron Needs To Go!" on Monday night during the worst of the rioting - ironic bearing in mind lots of white people were involved too) are about how much she adores her daughter. She takes her on holiday, she quite clearly loves her a lot. But does this really go hand-in-hand with her being a blatant racist? To me, it does not. Her daughter will grow up being loved, I would never dispute that. But her daughter will also grow up hating ethnic minorities. Which in my eyes makes her destined to be a bad human and a negative contribution to society already. Surely the process of "bringing up" is to create a worthy, good citizen? It is in my eyes.
So I have come to the conclusion that in my opinion, this girl is not a good mother. She can buy her daughter all the toys in the world and shower her with as many cuddles and kisses as is humanely possible. But if her daughter is going to grow up to be a racist due to her mother's racist influence, then I do not believe she has been parented in a good way.
Sunday, 17 July 2011
Marriage and the like; some thoughts.
Right so I had initially planned to vlog about all this but I've since then decided to write a blog about it first so that my vlog is more concise, because honestly this is something I'm VERY confused about.
I'm 19 years old. I'm at university, I've been with my (first) boyfriend for 5 months, I'm unemployed. I'm in full time education and I have hobbies and I do any work experience I can get my hands on. I hang out with my friends, any money I can save I use for concerts, days out and ice cream. This is the stage of my life that I am at, and this is the life most of the people my own age that I know are living.
Unsurprisingly, when I realised that it is now a norm for people of my age, and at my stage in life to get MARRIED. The last month or so, SO MANY of my friends have got engaged. And from Facebook and the nature of the newsfeed, I also know that many of my friends' friends are getting married and engaged, also of my own age.
I am gobsmacked. Initially, I was gobsmacked because I just felt that surely I can't be so old that I'm an age when getting engaged is socially acceptable? And then I have to remind myself that I'm 19, and despite the fact that I still feel the same as when I was 16, I'm not 16 any more.
So then I thought it through and I decided that fair enough, people getting engaged at this age is totally fine. Legally, it's totally legit, and we are mature and we can think for ourselves and make our own decisions. And we are old enough when we can have been with someone for a few years, and if that is long enough to know that we want to spend the rest of our life with them then why the hell should we NOT get married to them?
And then I thought of it some more. Marriage is about so much more than how old we are and how long we've been with our other half. And I came to the conclusion that getting engaged at my AGE is totally fine. But getting engaged if you're at my stage of life...in my opinion, that's just bizarre.
I find it hard to fathom that anyone who is at uni, loving spending day in and day out with their friends and having a laugh living on Sainsbury's Basics can be ready to get married. It doesn't matter if you're 19 or 29 (after all, the term "young" so so subjective, as it could refer to someone that is 6 or someone that is 26), marriage is much more to do with the stage you are at in your life.
I'm so happy for all the people I know who have recently got engaged. I think it's so lovely that they are getting ready to commit to spending the rest of their life with the person that they love. But I really don't see why they think it's necessary. I love my boyfriend to absolute pieces and I adore the thought of spending the rest of my life with him. Do I feel like this means I have to marry him asap? No I don't. Me and Stuart like it, but we don't need to put a ring on it. We're extremely happy together, we see eachother a lot of the time and when I'm not with him I miss him a lot. But we don't need to get engaged, because we know that if we are still together when this stage of our lives is over, then that will be an option. But for now, at the stage of life we are currently at, we are not planning our marriage. We can plan ON marrying eachother ONE DAY, but now, it's just not relevant to our lives.
Which is why I am absolutely not knocking anyone I know who has recently got, or is getting engaged, at our age. I passionately believe that each is to their own, and I will always stick by that. However that does not make it any easier for me to comprehend how someone at this (and by this, I mean the stage of life I've been referring to throughout this blog) point in life can have marriage as a feasible option.
As I said, I would never judge or knock anyone who is not likeminded to me. I am so, so interested in this as it has suddenly become very prominent in my life, so if anyone has any experiences of themselves or their friends, or even if anyone just has an opinion on this, I'd be massively enthusiastic about hearing it.
Thank you for reading, and please leave your views (:
I'm 19 years old. I'm at university, I've been with my (first) boyfriend for 5 months, I'm unemployed. I'm in full time education and I have hobbies and I do any work experience I can get my hands on. I hang out with my friends, any money I can save I use for concerts, days out and ice cream. This is the stage of my life that I am at, and this is the life most of the people my own age that I know are living.
Unsurprisingly, when I realised that it is now a norm for people of my age, and at my stage in life to get MARRIED. The last month or so, SO MANY of my friends have got engaged. And from Facebook and the nature of the newsfeed, I also know that many of my friends' friends are getting married and engaged, also of my own age.
I am gobsmacked. Initially, I was gobsmacked because I just felt that surely I can't be so old that I'm an age when getting engaged is socially acceptable? And then I have to remind myself that I'm 19, and despite the fact that I still feel the same as when I was 16, I'm not 16 any more.
So then I thought it through and I decided that fair enough, people getting engaged at this age is totally fine. Legally, it's totally legit, and we are mature and we can think for ourselves and make our own decisions. And we are old enough when we can have been with someone for a few years, and if that is long enough to know that we want to spend the rest of our life with them then why the hell should we NOT get married to them?
And then I thought of it some more. Marriage is about so much more than how old we are and how long we've been with our other half. And I came to the conclusion that getting engaged at my AGE is totally fine. But getting engaged if you're at my stage of life...in my opinion, that's just bizarre.
I find it hard to fathom that anyone who is at uni, loving spending day in and day out with their friends and having a laugh living on Sainsbury's Basics can be ready to get married. It doesn't matter if you're 19 or 29 (after all, the term "young" so so subjective, as it could refer to someone that is 6 or someone that is 26), marriage is much more to do with the stage you are at in your life.
I'm so happy for all the people I know who have recently got engaged. I think it's so lovely that they are getting ready to commit to spending the rest of their life with the person that they love. But I really don't see why they think it's necessary. I love my boyfriend to absolute pieces and I adore the thought of spending the rest of my life with him. Do I feel like this means I have to marry him asap? No I don't. Me and Stuart like it, but we don't need to put a ring on it. We're extremely happy together, we see eachother a lot of the time and when I'm not with him I miss him a lot. But we don't need to get engaged, because we know that if we are still together when this stage of our lives is over, then that will be an option. But for now, at the stage of life we are currently at, we are not planning our marriage. We can plan ON marrying eachother ONE DAY, but now, it's just not relevant to our lives.
Which is why I am absolutely not knocking anyone I know who has recently got, or is getting engaged, at our age. I passionately believe that each is to their own, and I will always stick by that. However that does not make it any easier for me to comprehend how someone at this (and by this, I mean the stage of life I've been referring to throughout this blog) point in life can have marriage as a feasible option.
As I said, I would never judge or knock anyone who is not likeminded to me. I am so, so interested in this as it has suddenly become very prominent in my life, so if anyone has any experiences of themselves or their friends, or even if anyone just has an opinion on this, I'd be massively enthusiastic about hearing it.
Thank you for reading, and please leave your views (:
Saturday, 16 July 2011
A really nice true story.
Here is a really nice true story from late Tuesday night and the early hours of Wednesday morning.
Well the last almost fortnight I have stayed at the Flair House (the house in Twicks that my boyfriend and four of my best friends ((David, Benji, Simon and Michael)) have for whilst at unimaversity). The first 4 days I was there Stuart was there too but then on the Friday he had to go home. And I saw him on the Saturday evening for MCR at iTunes Fest. But afterwards he had to go home and I was going back to the Flair House and we had to say goodbye to each other at Waterloo at gone midnight and neither of us wanted to say bye and it was one of the most horrible experiences of my life, I was so upset and the train journey was torturous and I just was very upset ):
And the reason I was so upset was because I had no idea when I was seeing him next, at this stage we had to leave it at “Maybe see you next week, but if not I’ll see you in about 5 weeks time” and that prospect was awful, it was the not knowing how long the goodbye was for that made the goodbye so bad.
All of the Sunday I still felt very sad, and I did on the Monday too. I felt quite shaken up from the horrible goodbye and I still didn’t know if I was seeing him before the month was out.
On Monday night Stuart texted me saying he was coming back to the Flair House on Tuesday evening, and I was so very happy, I was really ecstatic. But on Tuesday it got to the evening and I hadn’t heard from him and I was really losing hope that I would see him. I had a nice evening because Lizzie came round, but I missed Stuart very lots.
So you can imagine how happy I was when at about 10pm Stuart texted me! However because it was quite late he said that he couldn’t come to the Flair House till the following morning. I was extremely disappointed, but very happy because I knew when I was next seeing him. But a big part of me was upset because I had so looked forward to seeing him very soon, and it would be another 12 hours yet.
At about midnight, Stuart was texting me so that we could make plans for me meeting him at the station the following morning. Just as I texted him telling him that I would be there at 10.39 to meet him, I heard a noise at the door. This is what happened next:
Jocy: What was that?
Lizzie: You better go and have a look.
Michael: Maybe it’s Stuart.
Jocy: …No…
Lizzie: Go and have a look.
Stuart had planned all along since he started texting me that night that he would surprise me at the Flair House! He was already on the train on his way when he texted me telling me that he’d be there tomorrow!
So I got up and just as I walked towards the hallway, Stuart was standing right in front of me.
And then I gave him the biggest hug in the world and I was so so happy. It was one of the loveliest things someone has ever done. When I heard the front door noise for a tiny split second I thought “Ohh I so badly wish that was Stuart” but I didn’t let myself process the thought properly because I just thought I’d disappoint myself! But it was Stuart, he came to surprise me and it was so lovely.
The end, I hope you like my really nice true story (:
Well the last almost fortnight I have stayed at the Flair House (the house in Twicks that my boyfriend and four of my best friends ((David, Benji, Simon and Michael)) have for whilst at unimaversity). The first 4 days I was there Stuart was there too but then on the Friday he had to go home. And I saw him on the Saturday evening for MCR at iTunes Fest. But afterwards he had to go home and I was going back to the Flair House and we had to say goodbye to each other at Waterloo at gone midnight and neither of us wanted to say bye and it was one of the most horrible experiences of my life, I was so upset and the train journey was torturous and I just was very upset ):
And the reason I was so upset was because I had no idea when I was seeing him next, at this stage we had to leave it at “Maybe see you next week, but if not I’ll see you in about 5 weeks time” and that prospect was awful, it was the not knowing how long the goodbye was for that made the goodbye so bad.
All of the Sunday I still felt very sad, and I did on the Monday too. I felt quite shaken up from the horrible goodbye and I still didn’t know if I was seeing him before the month was out.
On Monday night Stuart texted me saying he was coming back to the Flair House on Tuesday evening, and I was so very happy, I was really ecstatic. But on Tuesday it got to the evening and I hadn’t heard from him and I was really losing hope that I would see him. I had a nice evening because Lizzie came round, but I missed Stuart very lots.
So you can imagine how happy I was when at about 10pm Stuart texted me! However because it was quite late he said that he couldn’t come to the Flair House till the following morning. I was extremely disappointed, but very happy because I knew when I was next seeing him. But a big part of me was upset because I had so looked forward to seeing him very soon, and it would be another 12 hours yet.
At about midnight, Stuart was texting me so that we could make plans for me meeting him at the station the following morning. Just as I texted him telling him that I would be there at 10.39 to meet him, I heard a noise at the door. This is what happened next:
Jocy: What was that?
Lizzie: You better go and have a look.
Michael: Maybe it’s Stuart.
Jocy: …No…
Lizzie: Go and have a look.
Stuart had planned all along since he started texting me that night that he would surprise me at the Flair House! He was already on the train on his way when he texted me telling me that he’d be there tomorrow!
So I got up and just as I walked towards the hallway, Stuart was standing right in front of me.
And then I gave him the biggest hug in the world and I was so so happy. It was one of the loveliest things someone has ever done. When I heard the front door noise for a tiny split second I thought “Ohh I so badly wish that was Stuart” but I didn’t let myself process the thought properly because I just thought I’d disappoint myself! But it was Stuart, he came to surprise me and it was so lovely.
The end, I hope you like my really nice true story (:
Friday, 8 July 2011
Oh, to have no clue!
I have given up on the idea that I will ever be a television presenter.
Realistically, I am 19 and a half years old and I have no idea what I am going to do with my life. I know a few (hopefully) determining factors:
1. I want to travel a lot in the not too distant future, and then (hopefully) quite regularly thereafter.
2. I want to be with Stuart forever.
3. I do not want to work in an office.
4. I do not want a monotonous 9-5 job.
5. I want to work with lots of different types of people.
6. I don't want so much responsibility that I can't enjoy and relax in my job, but I want enough responsibility that I am contributing, making a positive difference and earning respect from my co-workers.
7. I want to work in something that makes a noticeable difference to at least some peoples' lives.
Any ideas, chuck em at me :P
Realistically, I am 19 and a half years old and I have no idea what I am going to do with my life. I know a few (hopefully) determining factors:
1. I want to travel a lot in the not too distant future, and then (hopefully) quite regularly thereafter.
2. I want to be with Stuart forever.
3. I do not want to work in an office.
4. I do not want a monotonous 9-5 job.
5. I want to work with lots of different types of people.
6. I don't want so much responsibility that I can't enjoy and relax in my job, but I want enough responsibility that I am contributing, making a positive difference and earning respect from my co-workers.
7. I want to work in something that makes a noticeable difference to at least some peoples' lives.
Any ideas, chuck em at me :P
Wednesday, 29 June 2011
I want to tell people about this.
YouTube made me so happy for so many years; it gave me such confidence and such a sense of identity. I now feel like it's being snatched away from me, I find myself wondering if it was ever a good idea from the start.
A couple of months ago my partnership was taken away from me. I only knew because I launched the homepage one day to find a banner inviting me to apply. So obviously I thought "But I already am one", and then upon going to my Channel (banners missing) and logging on to AdSense (partnership withdrawal email) I realised that this had been taken from me.
I was never a Partner for the money. Which was lucky, because I never got any as the closed my account £10 short of the amount when they post me a cheque. No, I applied to be a partner because of the recognition and notability. I was so proud to be considered worthy, as I knew the application process could be difficult. I was so elated to get it first time and I made my family and friends proud. Not only that, I put it on my CV and university applications, and talked about it at job interviews. I never failed a single one, and I always felt that being a YouTube partner was a big contribution to that. Everyone has heard of YouTube, and I felt so, so proud.
I had wanted to be a TV presenter for years. I did work experience and extra-curricular projects to help me along, and being a Partner filled me with belief that I stood out a tiny bit from all the others who wanted the same career. I told a group of 300 like-minded students about it on a day at Channel 4's HQ in which we were finding out about the industry and work experience prospects. Everyone was so impressed and I had adults and teens alike asking me about it for the rest of the day. I was proud, and I was hopeful that one day I'd succeed at what I really wanted to do.
Things have changed now I'm not a YouTube partner. I'm sure I had the privilege taken from me for economic reasons that the company unfairly have, but I have taken it very personally. I vlogged avidly for 4 years, attended YouTube gatherings, made friends and encouraged more people to vlog. I used my Partnership to aid my future career, and to better my current prospects. What more could I have done with it? I used it in the most worthy way I could. And it was snatched from me. I no longer stand out in this way, I am just another student who wants to be on TV. My confidence feels knocked, as for the first time in my life I am doubting my future career. I was so determined and set on what I wanted, and now realism has shrouded that and I am very much aware that I need to rethink. I don't know how to make a vlog that's true to myself, because for the first time since I began my video hobby, I feel a hatred for YouTube. I feel a hatred that they've made me doubt myself, fear that I won't succeed, and removed my sense of belonging of such a lovely group. I don't know if I want to go to the Harry Potter premiere with my YouTube friends, because I don't know if I can bear to be around them knowing that the site doesn't consider me as worthy as last time I was with them all.
Harry Potter is what introduced me to the world of vlogging on YouTube, and I don't know if I can stand being around the people who saw me start off in 2007, because in all honesty I just feel ashamed.
I feel like I'm going through such a crisis. I feel like opportunities are vanishing before my eyes (such as the NextUp competition YouTube are hosting to find new talent, that is only open to Partners) and I feel like a different person.
I hate YouTube for doing this to me.
A couple of months ago my partnership was taken away from me. I only knew because I launched the homepage one day to find a banner inviting me to apply. So obviously I thought "But I already am one", and then upon going to my Channel (banners missing) and logging on to AdSense (partnership withdrawal email) I realised that this had been taken from me.
I was never a Partner for the money. Which was lucky, because I never got any as the closed my account £10 short of the amount when they post me a cheque. No, I applied to be a partner because of the recognition and notability. I was so proud to be considered worthy, as I knew the application process could be difficult. I was so elated to get it first time and I made my family and friends proud. Not only that, I put it on my CV and university applications, and talked about it at job interviews. I never failed a single one, and I always felt that being a YouTube partner was a big contribution to that. Everyone has heard of YouTube, and I felt so, so proud.
I had wanted to be a TV presenter for years. I did work experience and extra-curricular projects to help me along, and being a Partner filled me with belief that I stood out a tiny bit from all the others who wanted the same career. I told a group of 300 like-minded students about it on a day at Channel 4's HQ in which we were finding out about the industry and work experience prospects. Everyone was so impressed and I had adults and teens alike asking me about it for the rest of the day. I was proud, and I was hopeful that one day I'd succeed at what I really wanted to do.
Things have changed now I'm not a YouTube partner. I'm sure I had the privilege taken from me for economic reasons that the company unfairly have, but I have taken it very personally. I vlogged avidly for 4 years, attended YouTube gatherings, made friends and encouraged more people to vlog. I used my Partnership to aid my future career, and to better my current prospects. What more could I have done with it? I used it in the most worthy way I could. And it was snatched from me. I no longer stand out in this way, I am just another student who wants to be on TV. My confidence feels knocked, as for the first time in my life I am doubting my future career. I was so determined and set on what I wanted, and now realism has shrouded that and I am very much aware that I need to rethink. I don't know how to make a vlog that's true to myself, because for the first time since I began my video hobby, I feel a hatred for YouTube. I feel a hatred that they've made me doubt myself, fear that I won't succeed, and removed my sense of belonging of such a lovely group. I don't know if I want to go to the Harry Potter premiere with my YouTube friends, because I don't know if I can bear to be around them knowing that the site doesn't consider me as worthy as last time I was with them all.
Harry Potter is what introduced me to the world of vlogging on YouTube, and I don't know if I can stand being around the people who saw me start off in 2007, because in all honesty I just feel ashamed.
I feel like I'm going through such a crisis. I feel like opportunities are vanishing before my eyes (such as the NextUp competition YouTube are hosting to find new talent, that is only open to Partners) and I feel like a different person.
I hate YouTube for doing this to me.
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