YouTube made me so happy for so many years; it gave me such confidence and such a sense of identity. I now feel like it's being snatched away from me, I find myself wondering if it was ever a good idea from the start.
A couple of months ago my partnership was taken away from me. I only knew because I launched the homepage one day to find a banner inviting me to apply. So obviously I thought "But I already am one", and then upon going to my Channel (banners missing) and logging on to AdSense (partnership withdrawal email) I realised that this had been taken from me.
I was never a Partner for the money. Which was lucky, because I never got any as the closed my account £10 short of the amount when they post me a cheque. No, I applied to be a partner because of the recognition and notability. I was so proud to be considered worthy, as I knew the application process could be difficult. I was so elated to get it first time and I made my family and friends proud. Not only that, I put it on my CV and university applications, and talked about it at job interviews. I never failed a single one, and I always felt that being a YouTube partner was a big contribution to that. Everyone has heard of YouTube, and I felt so, so proud.
I had wanted to be a TV presenter for years. I did work experience and extra-curricular projects to help me along, and being a Partner filled me with belief that I stood out a tiny bit from all the others who wanted the same career. I told a group of 300 like-minded students about it on a day at Channel 4's HQ in which we were finding out about the industry and work experience prospects. Everyone was so impressed and I had adults and teens alike asking me about it for the rest of the day. I was proud, and I was hopeful that one day I'd succeed at what I really wanted to do.
Things have changed now I'm not a YouTube partner. I'm sure I had the privilege taken from me for economic reasons that the company unfairly have, but I have taken it very personally. I vlogged avidly for 4 years, attended YouTube gatherings, made friends and encouraged more people to vlog. I used my Partnership to aid my future career, and to better my current prospects. What more could I have done with it? I used it in the most worthy way I could. And it was snatched from me. I no longer stand out in this way, I am just another student who wants to be on TV. My confidence feels knocked, as for the first time in my life I am doubting my future career. I was so determined and set on what I wanted, and now realism has shrouded that and I am very much aware that I need to rethink. I don't know how to make a vlog that's true to myself, because for the first time since I began my video hobby, I feel a hatred for YouTube. I feel a hatred that they've made me doubt myself, fear that I won't succeed, and removed my sense of belonging of such a lovely group. I don't know if I want to go to the Harry Potter premiere with my YouTube friends, because I don't know if I can bear to be around them knowing that the site doesn't consider me as worthy as last time I was with them all.
Harry Potter is what introduced me to the world of vlogging on YouTube, and I don't know if I can stand being around the people who saw me start off in 2007, because in all honesty I just feel ashamed.
I feel like I'm going through such a crisis. I feel like opportunities are vanishing before my eyes (such as the NextUp competition YouTube are hosting to find new talent, that is only open to Partners) and I feel like a different person.
I hate YouTube for doing this to me.
Wednesday, 29 June 2011
Monday, 6 June 2011
All in all, a great week :D
I've had even more nice days, meaning that I've had an entirely successful week!
On Friday I went to Twickenham and signed the contract for my flat, and got to properly chat with and get to know my landlord. He's really nice and laid back and funny. I saw my grandparents for an hour or so in the evening and then went on to do 6 hours of babysitting which earned me £40 which was very useful for Saturday's pursuits.
On Saturday I went and got my hair done It was a mahoosive dye job and took 5 and a half hours. It's not really how I wanted/expected it but I don't hate it really and I've always been of the opinion that "hair is just hair" so I'm not going to whine. I do really appreciate the effort the salon went to, they had to phone around academies and stuff to find out how to do what I wanted. Admittedly, it didn't work nevertheless, but the effort was there. I may be £128 down but I got a cut and colour. Even if I am now an unexpected blonde.
Today I went to Lakeside with my parents to get some last bits for my holiday and when I came back I napped on the sofa for an hour and then one of my oldest friends, Manda, came over for dinner and a catchup. We've been friends since she was 11 and I was 12, so that's 7 years. We've stayed close the whole time and it was so lovely to chat about our respective lives; her last year of school and my first year of uni.
I spent all afternoon and evening (whilst chatting) packing and getting ready for tomorrow (which is technically today now!!!) when I am off to Stuart's house for a few days before we head to Spain!
I'm so unbelievably excited to see him, it will have been 8 days which doesn't sound like anything, but when you spend 24/7 with someone for 3 months then 8 days without them seems ages!! So excited!!!!
On Friday I went to Twickenham and signed the contract for my flat, and got to properly chat with and get to know my landlord. He's really nice and laid back and funny. I saw my grandparents for an hour or so in the evening and then went on to do 6 hours of babysitting which earned me £40 which was very useful for Saturday's pursuits.
On Saturday I went and got my hair done It was a mahoosive dye job and took 5 and a half hours. It's not really how I wanted/expected it but I don't hate it really and I've always been of the opinion that "hair is just hair" so I'm not going to whine. I do really appreciate the effort the salon went to, they had to phone around academies and stuff to find out how to do what I wanted. Admittedly, it didn't work nevertheless, but the effort was there. I may be £128 down but I got a cut and colour. Even if I am now an unexpected blonde.
Today I went to Lakeside with my parents to get some last bits for my holiday and when I came back I napped on the sofa for an hour and then one of my oldest friends, Manda, came over for dinner and a catchup. We've been friends since she was 11 and I was 12, so that's 7 years. We've stayed close the whole time and it was so lovely to chat about our respective lives; her last year of school and my first year of uni.
I spent all afternoon and evening (whilst chatting) packing and getting ready for tomorrow (which is technically today now!!!) when I am off to Stuart's house for a few days before we head to Spain!
I'm so unbelievably excited to see him, it will have been 8 days which doesn't sound like anything, but when you spend 24/7 with someone for 3 months then 8 days without them seems ages!! So excited!!!!
Thursday, 2 June 2011
Another busy day today, and one tomorrow too!
I had another nice day today.
One of my best friends from school, Aimee, turned up as a kind of surprise, like she phoned me and said "Jocy, I'm down your road and I just ran over a pigeon" and I said "Oh dear, I better get dressed then!" and we sat and chatted for a few hours. Same as with Joe, we needed a proper catchup because obviously we don't see eachother huge amounts any more and had lots of things to talk about. It was lovely hearing all her updates and having a gossip about people we both know from school and me getting to tell her all about what's been going on in my life.
This evening I tried to sort out my sham of a bedroom (no furniture, remember) by hanging some of my clothes up on the clothes rail my parents bought for me. I also started packing for holiday. People are coming to measure up and give a quote for the laminate floor I'm getting put in, which is a nice pale grey wood colour and effect. Hopefully it will look really nice with the pale, pale bluey-green with Tardis blue accents that me and Stu painted the room in. I'm hoping to get dark, charcoal grey furniture so I think it will look awesome and modern.
Tomorrow afternoon I'm going to Twickenham to give the deposit, first month's rent and to sign the contract for my flat, which is extremely exciting! Also it's lovely that I get to see Lizzie again so soon, as originally I thought I wouldn't see her for the first few weeks at least of summer. Tomorrow evening I am seeing my grandparents for a bit and then I'm off to do 5 hours of babysitting. It will be great from two points of view. Firstly it will be fun because it's two of the little boys my mum childminds and they're cute and when they saw me this morning (for the first time in weeks) they greeted me with "HELLO JOCELYN!" (the three year old) and "HELLO DOSSLELYN!" (the one year old), and obviously from a financial point of view it's perfect.
Anyway, I'm going to maybe watch something in iPlayer and then head to bed.
xxx
One of my best friends from school, Aimee, turned up as a kind of surprise, like she phoned me and said "Jocy, I'm down your road and I just ran over a pigeon" and I said "Oh dear, I better get dressed then!" and we sat and chatted for a few hours. Same as with Joe, we needed a proper catchup because obviously we don't see eachother huge amounts any more and had lots of things to talk about. It was lovely hearing all her updates and having a gossip about people we both know from school and me getting to tell her all about what's been going on in my life.
This evening I tried to sort out my sham of a bedroom (no furniture, remember) by hanging some of my clothes up on the clothes rail my parents bought for me. I also started packing for holiday. People are coming to measure up and give a quote for the laminate floor I'm getting put in, which is a nice pale grey wood colour and effect. Hopefully it will look really nice with the pale, pale bluey-green with Tardis blue accents that me and Stu painted the room in. I'm hoping to get dark, charcoal grey furniture so I think it will look awesome and modern.
Tomorrow afternoon I'm going to Twickenham to give the deposit, first month's rent and to sign the contract for my flat, which is extremely exciting! Also it's lovely that I get to see Lizzie again so soon, as originally I thought I wouldn't see her for the first few weeks at least of summer. Tomorrow evening I am seeing my grandparents for a bit and then I'm off to do 5 hours of babysitting. It will be great from two points of view. Firstly it will be fun because it's two of the little boys my mum childminds and they're cute and when they saw me this morning (for the first time in weeks) they greeted me with "HELLO JOCELYN!" (the three year old) and "HELLO DOSSLELYN!" (the one year old), and obviously from a financial point of view it's perfect.
Anyway, I'm going to maybe watch something in iPlayer and then head to bed.
xxx
I want to write a blog but my eyes are burning from tiredness. Ho hum, needs must.
I'm having a nice time being home from university for the summer. As long as I don't let myself think about the fact my lovely little room on the first floor of De Marillac is now empty, I'm fine. I got home on Sunday. On Monday I had to go back to Twickenham to go to two house viewings with Lizzie, who I am living with. We also met up with one of our best friends, Sam. It was a wonderful day. It was a wonderful day because we got a place, a lovely flat a 20 minute walk from uni. It's in a quiet cul-de-sac, has 3 double bedrooms along with a spacious kitchen, open plan living room - dining area and a bathroom with a shower. It's very perfect indeed. To make it even more amazing, it's just off of the road that the boys (4 of my best friends plus my boyfriend) are living down. 15 minute walk in a straight line. Even I can manage that! It's ideal and I'm ecstatic. It was also a wonderful day because us three girls got to have a proper chitchat for hours and hours, we stayed in Cafe Nero till closing time and moved onto Spoons for a pitcher of Pimms. It was lovely and girly, which I hadn't had in a while so it was perfect.
On Tuesday my mum had the day off work so her and I went shopping together. I got a last few bits for my holiday with my friends to Spain next week (sandals, bag, hairbands, from Primark, can't go wrong) so that was productive. We also did a healthy food shop, because as much as I'm not so much trying to lose weight for holiday, I want to have a better digestive system, clear skin (although to be honest I have never had an issue with my skin) and just feel better about myself for the summer. Then that evening we cooked dinner together, which was nice.
Today (Wednesday) was also great. My best friend ever from my mid-secondary school days, Joe, came over. We sat and chatted for 5 hours. We used to see each other every week before I went to uni, and obviously since it's been more of a struggle to communicate all the time like we used to. But we both know that our friendship doesn't depend on that, and that we can pick up where we left off whenever we like. Additionally, nothing will ever change in that when it comes to some things, we're the only person the other will discuss them with. So it was brilliant to see him for a huge catchup today, we had a lot of talking to do. Also today I went to the hairdressers for a consultation. I'm very excited about my appointment on Saturday because I'm getting a style that I've been eyeing up for ages. It's called ombre and is the effect when your hair is dark at the top and gradually fades as you travel to the tips, where it is the lightest. I hope that it will be perfect for the summer.
However I am starting to really miss Stuart (the boyf) who I haven't seen since we left uni on Sunday, as he is away with his family this week. But on Monday I'm going to stay at his for a few days, and then at about 3am on Thursday morning we are heading to Gatwick, meeting Ben, Becky, Jordan and David and jetting off to Spain for the week! I'm so excited, I absolutely can't wait. I can't wait to see Stu and spend some time with him and his family, and I can't wait for my first holiday with just friends and no adults!
Oh and another thing I forgot to mention, I have a job lined up. It is the perfect kind of job for me because as opposed to being full or part time, it is one-off days throughout the summer. This is ideal because it means I'm not tied down to contracted hours and can therefore see lots of my friends and also hopefully get some more work experience in the media industry packed in somewhere. Anyway, the job is invigilating in a test centre and I get training and it's all expenses paid, so there are lots of bonuses. Only downfall is the early starts, but they have said once I get to a certain level in the training I will be allowed to have more sociable hours.
Anyway, the contract for my flat starts on June 8th, which is next week. I'll hopefully visit the flat as soon as I'm back from holiday, and spend time there with various friends and family throughout the summer. I'm doing lots more before June is out, but I'm getting more and more tired so that can be for another blog!
Hope everyone is well, and that those with exams have lots of luck!
Jocy x
On Tuesday my mum had the day off work so her and I went shopping together. I got a last few bits for my holiday with my friends to Spain next week (sandals, bag, hairbands, from Primark, can't go wrong) so that was productive. We also did a healthy food shop, because as much as I'm not so much trying to lose weight for holiday, I want to have a better digestive system, clear skin (although to be honest I have never had an issue with my skin) and just feel better about myself for the summer. Then that evening we cooked dinner together, which was nice.
Today (Wednesday) was also great. My best friend ever from my mid-secondary school days, Joe, came over. We sat and chatted for 5 hours. We used to see each other every week before I went to uni, and obviously since it's been more of a struggle to communicate all the time like we used to. But we both know that our friendship doesn't depend on that, and that we can pick up where we left off whenever we like. Additionally, nothing will ever change in that when it comes to some things, we're the only person the other will discuss them with. So it was brilliant to see him for a huge catchup today, we had a lot of talking to do. Also today I went to the hairdressers for a consultation. I'm very excited about my appointment on Saturday because I'm getting a style that I've been eyeing up for ages. It's called ombre and is the effect when your hair is dark at the top and gradually fades as you travel to the tips, where it is the lightest. I hope that it will be perfect for the summer.
However I am starting to really miss Stuart (the boyf) who I haven't seen since we left uni on Sunday, as he is away with his family this week. But on Monday I'm going to stay at his for a few days, and then at about 3am on Thursday morning we are heading to Gatwick, meeting Ben, Becky, Jordan and David and jetting off to Spain for the week! I'm so excited, I absolutely can't wait. I can't wait to see Stu and spend some time with him and his family, and I can't wait for my first holiday with just friends and no adults!
Oh and another thing I forgot to mention, I have a job lined up. It is the perfect kind of job for me because as opposed to being full or part time, it is one-off days throughout the summer. This is ideal because it means I'm not tied down to contracted hours and can therefore see lots of my friends and also hopefully get some more work experience in the media industry packed in somewhere. Anyway, the job is invigilating in a test centre and I get training and it's all expenses paid, so there are lots of bonuses. Only downfall is the early starts, but they have said once I get to a certain level in the training I will be allowed to have more sociable hours.
Anyway, the contract for my flat starts on June 8th, which is next week. I'll hopefully visit the flat as soon as I'm back from holiday, and spend time there with various friends and family throughout the summer. I'm doing lots more before June is out, but I'm getting more and more tired so that can be for another blog!
Hope everyone is well, and that those with exams have lots of luck!
Jocy x
Monday, 30 May 2011
I did it.
I'm back in Essex for the summer, which means I have 100% officially finished my first year of university. Did I ever really believe that I'd get to this point in 2011? Hell no I didn't, I totally thought I was going to bail out of UCAS and do a gap year. But against all of the odds, I did it :D
I feel absolutely stunningly clearheaded, which is totally surprising for me. I have been really teary about the whole thing, every time one of my friends left Halls I have been a wreck. But last night and this morning when I had to clear my own room out I felt really fine. I think the closure was a lot to do with the fact that I wrote a letter to the next person who gets my room, giving some advice and telling them to look after 141 for me. I feel like the business of living there is finished and that I can move on from that stage of my life.
Living there was the best 8 months of my life. Reading back from my blog from my first week there and being excited about living there for 8 months gives me goosebumps, because I've experienced such a transition. I've come into my own at university, I feel more independent, confident and so much more comfortable in my own skin. The time has been spent with the most incredible people I've ever met, and I've developed the most unreal friendships. On top of that I met my boyfriend (under unbelievable circumstances - we didn't talk at all during the first semester despite the fact we spent so much time around the same people, as we didn't know we had anything in common. Lo and behold, we've been together over three months now!) and I've just had the absolute time of my life. I moved into 141 without a friendship group, with less confidence that I made out I had and with a cynical outlook on most things. I left room 141 after spending 8 months with the best friends ever, feeling good about myself and with my boyfriend next to me. I think that's why I felt so much better about leaving than I thought I would.
So now I'm back home. I have no money, no bedroom furniture and no university. I could be feeling skint, disorganised and lonely. But instead I feel skint, disorganised and liberated. Everything I achieved this year I never thought I would, and I wouldn't change any of it for anything. It was the most mindblowingly perfect 8 months, more so than I could have have dared to dream it would be!
Today is the start of the rest, not the end of what was.
I feel absolutely stunningly clearheaded, which is totally surprising for me. I have been really teary about the whole thing, every time one of my friends left Halls I have been a wreck. But last night and this morning when I had to clear my own room out I felt really fine. I think the closure was a lot to do with the fact that I wrote a letter to the next person who gets my room, giving some advice and telling them to look after 141 for me. I feel like the business of living there is finished and that I can move on from that stage of my life.
Living there was the best 8 months of my life. Reading back from my blog from my first week there and being excited about living there for 8 months gives me goosebumps, because I've experienced such a transition. I've come into my own at university, I feel more independent, confident and so much more comfortable in my own skin. The time has been spent with the most incredible people I've ever met, and I've developed the most unreal friendships. On top of that I met my boyfriend (under unbelievable circumstances - we didn't talk at all during the first semester despite the fact we spent so much time around the same people, as we didn't know we had anything in common. Lo and behold, we've been together over three months now!) and I've just had the absolute time of my life. I moved into 141 without a friendship group, with less confidence that I made out I had and with a cynical outlook on most things. I left room 141 after spending 8 months with the best friends ever, feeling good about myself and with my boyfriend next to me. I think that's why I felt so much better about leaving than I thought I would.
So now I'm back home. I have no money, no bedroom furniture and no university. I could be feeling skint, disorganised and lonely. But instead I feel skint, disorganised and liberated. Everything I achieved this year I never thought I would, and I wouldn't change any of it for anything. It was the most mindblowingly perfect 8 months, more so than I could have have dared to dream it would be!
Today is the start of the rest, not the end of what was.
Sunday, 22 May 2011
Michael just left Halls.
When you apply for Halls of Residence at my university, you are allocated your room on an entirely random basis. Some unis do it by getting applicants to fill in a sheet which basically describes their personality and interests, and they room people based on that, so compatible people are near eachother. Some unis do it based on the subject the student is studying, so that people near eachother have that in common. But at my university, it is done entirely randomly.
MEMORY ONE.
It was the end of the summer holidays, September 6th 2010. A few days previously me and Estelle (close friend from back home who is at university with me) had found out that we had been allocated Halls, even though we had thought we would have to live out. I went round to her house and we spent the whole afternoon on the Facebook group set up for people moving into my Halls so we could meet eachother beforehand. Everyone posted on the wall of the group with their room number, so that you could see who you were living near to. I found "Room 140" posted on the wall by someone called Michael and was so excited because I had been given room 141. I had a look on his Facebook and saw that he loved books, Doctor Who, acting, theatre, Shakespeare, writing, The Killers...all the same things as me. I was immediately excited because I couldn't believe someone who I had so much in common with was going to be living so near to me, completely by chance! I was so happy. We talked on Facebook quite a lot in the 13 days before we moved in, and decided that as soon as we both arrived we would go and say hello.
MEMORY TWO.
September 19th. I had moved into Halls. The first thing I did once my mum and dad had said goodbye and left was so go and knock on Michael's door (which was actually opposite me as opposed to next door as we originally thought it would be). He opened the door. We stared at eachother in silence for about 2 seconds, and then both simultaneously started jumping up and down and screaming at eachother, we were just so excited!
LOTS MORE MEMORIES.
Over the 8 months that we lived as opposite next door neighbours I have so many memories. Passing notes under eachother's doors in the early hours of the morning, watching Doctor Who together, having a day in London in which we went to see Michael Gambon in a play and spent hours and hours in the National Portrait Gallery and Waterstones, coming back from a walk around Halls to find hilarious photos of Michael set as my desktop background, seeing him in Sweeney Todd and being so so proud and so, so many hilarious trips to the ref.
ANOTHER MEMORY.
The one worst day in Halls that I can think of is the day that Michael broke the news to me that he wasn't coming back in second year. He said that he wasn't enjoying his course and was going to go to a different university somewhere else. I was absolutely devastated and cried for two hours. All I could think was that I wasn't ready for anything to change yet; it was all so perfect. I didn't exactly love the idea of us not living in Halls next year even if we were still in the same town, and the thought of Michael in a different part of the country was absolutely awful. I was so devastated, but it was an idea that I had to get used to.
ANOTHER MEMORY.
About two months after hearing the news that Michael was leaving at the end of the year for good, I got another piece of news. He had changed his mind and was staying after all! I was absolutely elated.
ONE MORE MEMORY.
Today, May 22nd 2011, Michael went home. Only for the summer thank goodness, but he's gone back to his home town. He cleared out his room in Halls, and I went with him to give his key back. We had a last hug and a last laugh in Halls, and he's gone. No longer my opposite next door neighbour. I know I'll see him nearly every day next year, and I am seeing him next month even, but that's not what I'm upset about. I'm in mourning for the times we had over the past 8 months. He was the first person I spoke to when I got to university. I've had the best time of my whole life living in Halls, it's been everything I wouldn't have even dared to dream it would be plus more. And I've met the absolute best people that I could ever have met. Michael leaving has really signified the end of all this for me. I'm here for another week, but it'll be so different without him living a meter from me!
I am so excited about the rest of my life, because I know the people who are in it now are the people who will be in it forever. And I know that this past year is only the beginning.
MEMORY ONE.
It was the end of the summer holidays, September 6th 2010. A few days previously me and Estelle (close friend from back home who is at university with me) had found out that we had been allocated Halls, even though we had thought we would have to live out. I went round to her house and we spent the whole afternoon on the Facebook group set up for people moving into my Halls so we could meet eachother beforehand. Everyone posted on the wall of the group with their room number, so that you could see who you were living near to. I found "Room 140" posted on the wall by someone called Michael and was so excited because I had been given room 141. I had a look on his Facebook and saw that he loved books, Doctor Who, acting, theatre, Shakespeare, writing, The Killers...all the same things as me. I was immediately excited because I couldn't believe someone who I had so much in common with was going to be living so near to me, completely by chance! I was so happy. We talked on Facebook quite a lot in the 13 days before we moved in, and decided that as soon as we both arrived we would go and say hello.
MEMORY TWO.
September 19th. I had moved into Halls. The first thing I did once my mum and dad had said goodbye and left was so go and knock on Michael's door (which was actually opposite me as opposed to next door as we originally thought it would be). He opened the door. We stared at eachother in silence for about 2 seconds, and then both simultaneously started jumping up and down and screaming at eachother, we were just so excited!
LOTS MORE MEMORIES.
Over the 8 months that we lived as opposite next door neighbours I have so many memories. Passing notes under eachother's doors in the early hours of the morning, watching Doctor Who together, having a day in London in which we went to see Michael Gambon in a play and spent hours and hours in the National Portrait Gallery and Waterstones, coming back from a walk around Halls to find hilarious photos of Michael set as my desktop background, seeing him in Sweeney Todd and being so so proud and so, so many hilarious trips to the ref.
ANOTHER MEMORY.
The one worst day in Halls that I can think of is the day that Michael broke the news to me that he wasn't coming back in second year. He said that he wasn't enjoying his course and was going to go to a different university somewhere else. I was absolutely devastated and cried for two hours. All I could think was that I wasn't ready for anything to change yet; it was all so perfect. I didn't exactly love the idea of us not living in Halls next year even if we were still in the same town, and the thought of Michael in a different part of the country was absolutely awful. I was so devastated, but it was an idea that I had to get used to.
ANOTHER MEMORY.
About two months after hearing the news that Michael was leaving at the end of the year for good, I got another piece of news. He had changed his mind and was staying after all! I was absolutely elated.
ONE MORE MEMORY.
Today, May 22nd 2011, Michael went home. Only for the summer thank goodness, but he's gone back to his home town. He cleared out his room in Halls, and I went with him to give his key back. We had a last hug and a last laugh in Halls, and he's gone. No longer my opposite next door neighbour. I know I'll see him nearly every day next year, and I am seeing him next month even, but that's not what I'm upset about. I'm in mourning for the times we had over the past 8 months. He was the first person I spoke to when I got to university. I've had the best time of my whole life living in Halls, it's been everything I wouldn't have even dared to dream it would be plus more. And I've met the absolute best people that I could ever have met. Michael leaving has really signified the end of all this for me. I'm here for another week, but it'll be so different without him living a meter from me!
I am so excited about the rest of my life, because I know the people who are in it now are the people who will be in it forever. And I know that this past year is only the beginning.
Wednesday, 20 April 2011
I haven't blogged in ages. Sometimes stuff happens in life and you find your previous commitments wavering due to new ones, and this is what has happened to me. I am not going into the big long disgustingly adorable, soppy, film-esque story, but the short and short of it is that I have a boyfriend now (yay for unintentional Boys Like Girls song references) and most of my time has been spent with him. (:
The strange thing about the past 8 weeks and 3 days (not that I'm counting xD) is that I've had little time to think. Obviously I've been thinking, but usually I analyse and ponder over every aspect of my life. I used to take time to do this because I had time to do this. And also, there were gaps in my life for me to fill with daydreams and way too good to be true hypothetical situations that I never truly believed happened to anyone, much less to myself.
More on that later.
My boyfriend (Stuart) goes to the same uni as me. He lives in the and Halls, down the same corridor. We spend pretty much 24/7 together. Because we can, and we want to and it's perfect that way. There's litle or no time for the independent, deep thought processes I used to have most days, because my mind is otherwise engaged. For the most part, I don't miss it at all, because I have no reason to. But as of last Friday, me and Stu are with our respective families and had to say goodbye for the next 9 days. Having so much of my own company for the first time in over 8 weeks is extremely strange, and has made me realise things.
Firstly, I don't like my own company very much. I like it when I'm working on a personal project, such as photo editing or vlogging, but in large doses I get very lonely. I need near-constant interaction.
Secondly, I work better with people around me. I am much happier sitting down and doing 5 hours of Photoshop coursework if I have 3 people sitting on my bed behind me having a chat. I need to know I've got friends around me, or I don't feel the same level of academic motivation. I think this is because I work better if people are impressed with the work I'm doing; their praise and compliments are incentive to push myself harder.
Thirdly, the past 8 weeks and 3 days hadn't sunk in at all. I knew this at the time to be fair, and kept telling Stu so. But only know that I've got the time to truly process how much my life has changed can I really digest it. I knew I was grateful, and mindblown and I knew how lucky I felt. But now I can really see what's happened, and I think I'm starting to honestly believe it's real.
I didn't believe it to be real at first. I convinced myself on several occasions I'd made the whole scenario up in my head. Purely because it just seems too good to be real. It's all so, so perfect. This isn't gonna be a mahoosive cheesy blog, I just want to iterate how unfathomable some things in life can be.
I think we all underestimate everything. We complain about people, and think the worst of them. We're pessimistic and cynical and we tell ourselves that it will work out for everyone but not for yourself. And we blame ourselves, or other people, because we feel like we have to blame someone.
But what I've learnt whilst having this time to myself to think is that sometimes you have to stop, breathe, absorb everything you've got and really take the time to let it sink in. We have to go out of our way to appreciate and be grateful for everything and everyone in our lives, because otherwise we'll never truly and clearly see just how lucky we are.
The strange thing about the past 8 weeks and 3 days (not that I'm counting xD) is that I've had little time to think. Obviously I've been thinking, but usually I analyse and ponder over every aspect of my life. I used to take time to do this because I had time to do this. And also, there were gaps in my life for me to fill with daydreams and way too good to be true hypothetical situations that I never truly believed happened to anyone, much less to myself.
More on that later.
My boyfriend (Stuart) goes to the same uni as me. He lives in the and Halls, down the same corridor. We spend pretty much 24/7 together. Because we can, and we want to and it's perfect that way. There's litle or no time for the independent, deep thought processes I used to have most days, because my mind is otherwise engaged. For the most part, I don't miss it at all, because I have no reason to. But as of last Friday, me and Stu are with our respective families and had to say goodbye for the next 9 days. Having so much of my own company for the first time in over 8 weeks is extremely strange, and has made me realise things.
Firstly, I don't like my own company very much. I like it when I'm working on a personal project, such as photo editing or vlogging, but in large doses I get very lonely. I need near-constant interaction.
Secondly, I work better with people around me. I am much happier sitting down and doing 5 hours of Photoshop coursework if I have 3 people sitting on my bed behind me having a chat. I need to know I've got friends around me, or I don't feel the same level of academic motivation. I think this is because I work better if people are impressed with the work I'm doing; their praise and compliments are incentive to push myself harder.
Thirdly, the past 8 weeks and 3 days hadn't sunk in at all. I knew this at the time to be fair, and kept telling Stu so. But only know that I've got the time to truly process how much my life has changed can I really digest it. I knew I was grateful, and mindblown and I knew how lucky I felt. But now I can really see what's happened, and I think I'm starting to honestly believe it's real.
I didn't believe it to be real at first. I convinced myself on several occasions I'd made the whole scenario up in my head. Purely because it just seems too good to be real. It's all so, so perfect. This isn't gonna be a mahoosive cheesy blog, I just want to iterate how unfathomable some things in life can be.
I think we all underestimate everything. We complain about people, and think the worst of them. We're pessimistic and cynical and we tell ourselves that it will work out for everyone but not for yourself. And we blame ourselves, or other people, because we feel like we have to blame someone.
But what I've learnt whilst having this time to myself to think is that sometimes you have to stop, breathe, absorb everything you've got and really take the time to let it sink in. We have to go out of our way to appreciate and be grateful for everything and everyone in our lives, because otherwise we'll never truly and clearly see just how lucky we are.
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