Yesterday between 4pm and 6pm has made it onto my hypothetical list of Greatest Two Hour Slots Of Time Ever.
It was my Online Broadcasting lecture, which is exciting to start with because online broadcasting is a thing that I have done for a lot of my life, in the form of blogging, vlogging, tweeting et cetera. So the fact that I have now taken this beloved hobby of mine into an academic environment, much less my Actual University Degree is basically a dream come true. Really, what more could I ask for?
Here are all the good/funny things that happened in yesterday's specifica Online Broadcasting class.
1. We found out that we are definitely interviewing the CEO of a company for the documentary we have to make and present for our final project. This company also happens to be the company that the Ultimate Dream Job I have applied to is with. I'm interviewing the man who is going to decide whether to employ me or not. Absolutely terrifying, but also an opportunity that not many people get. I just hope and pray and wish that I make a good impression. I have only 14 days till the interview, so basically AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH
2. We found out the assignment for the lesson was to take the camera, sound and lighting gear to 2 different locations in the uni and conduct 2 interviews in these places. Content wasn't too important, but the tech had to be spot on. One of the locations was a huge drawing room (our uni is also a gothic castle, casual). We struggled to find it initially (imagine 5 people traipsing around a university carrying a huge film camera, a huge tripod, 3-point lighting set up, a boom mic, powerpack and headphones) and eventually we arrived at a door that Chloe was sure was the room. She peaked in but there was just a man sitting there, so we figured it was the wrong place. There was a door next to that room that she and Aaron were sure MUST be the room, but the door wouldn't open. So we're trying to open it and it just won't budge, and suddenly I hear a CHAIN FLUSH and I'm like "GUYS THAT IS AN OCCUPIED TOILET!" and Aaron is like, "Naaaah you don't get a toilet without a sign" so starts BANGING ON THE DOOR and suddenly from the room we hear this lady say, "You do know this is a toilet right?" so we all nearly collapsed laughing, apologised profusely and then found out the original room was the correct place.
3. The interview in the drawing room went very well, except for the fact we set up in 3 different locations to accommodate the fact that the background was busy, the lighting was dodgy and we had no extension cable. We then found out that we did have an extension cable, so we went back to the original place we wanted to film but had to discard because we thought we couldn't plug the equipment in.
4. We then had to go for the second interview in a tiny office. Here we were interviewing Otis, who teaches us. Whilst the others were setting up (I was the interviewer so I got to sit) me and Otis were chatting about dried fruit (don't ask) and Simon said that he had Heinz tomato soup for lunch. So I said "I really don't like Heinz tomato soup" to which Otis looked ABSOLUTELY MORTIFIED and said "Woah now, don't tell my mother that, she would actually kill you" so I then went into hysterics and whilst I'm wheezing in the corner Otis carries on, "She's indoctrinated my daughter as well, I've never mentioned soup to her and she suddenly starts asking for tomato soup, her grandma is brainwashing her. I'll try to save you but honestly, she gets violent when people don't like tomato soup" by which point I am basically on the floor laughing, makeup all over my face, can't breathe properly, and then I have to conduct an interview. Whilst I was laughing hysterically and Otis was ranting about his mother's (rather vicious) love for tomato soup, it turns out the head of Media is standing in the doorway waiting to ask Otis a question, but neither of us notice that he's there, we're just in fits of laughter talking about tomato soup keeping him waiting. One of the most ridiculous moments of my university career.
5. The interviews themselves went quite well I feel. It was the first time I've done improvisation like that in a very long time, but I was very pleased with myself. I got compliments on improvisation and on my speaking, and Otis said he was very impressed at how I went from nearly dead on the floor to completely composed and serious as soon as I needed to be. I'm not gonna lie, that isn't always the case, but it's definitely something I've improved a lot on since A Level Theatre Studies!!
6. I absolutely love the group I have in Online Broadcasting. Bearing in mind we have to create a 30 minute documentary together, and then present it live, I feel it's important that we get on well, trust each other and are like-minded when it comes to getting work done. All these things are definitely the case, and I'm so lucky I've got them. We have so many laughs (as you may have picked up on from this blog) but we get the job done, and our finished interviews were pretty much spot on! I'm proud of us and I'm so pleased I get to work with them till April.
I know the time will go really quickly and one day I'll read this back and I'll be a graduate and I won't be able to believe it's over, but for now I'm grateful that I've got a few months left. I'm also grateful that I love my degree so much, as I know I'm lucky to have this. Third year is so much fun, I don't want it to end very soon at all ):
Friday, 26 October 2012
Wednesday, 24 October 2012
Six chapters
CHAPTER ONE: The Job
It has been 3 days since I applied for The Job. I sometimes forget about it and then
when I remember I can think of little else for hours. The closing date for applications isn't till October 31st so it's going to be a while yet before I hear anything, if anything. Ohgod it just occurred to me that if I don't get it they might not let me know! How long is acceptable to wait till you contact them enquiring?!?! Ohmygod I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner!!!! SO MANY WORST CASE SCENARIOS!!!!!!!!
CHAPTER TWO: Pilates
Something that I have started doing this semester is Pilates. Me and Amy wanted to do yoga ideally, but the classes at our gym coincided with lectures, so we chose Pilates instead. It's a lot harder than you'd imagine, but strangely calming. Or maybe that's just because of the zen-balancing music they play. Or the fact that a lot of it is done laying down on a comfy mat. Believe it or not, it IS exercise.
CHAPTER THREE: Geriatric Musings
It's my birthday soon. Which is utterly terrifying. I started this blog when I was 16 years old, and now I'm about to turn 21. I was re-reading old blogs the other day, seeing the transition from GCSE panic, to sixth form to starting university. It's interesting how some things haven't changed at all, and other things are a whole new kettle of fish. Ultimately though I believe I have kept at least SOME of my "essence" (how disgustingly contrived that sounds hahaha) so that's reassuring. I still wear a lot of the same clothes from when I was a lot younger, such as the Converse All Stars I got when I was 14 (7 years ago!!!!!!!!!!) and my Green Day hoodie that I got when I was 15. Some things never change.
CHAPTER FOUR: Afternoon Tea
Speaking of my birthday, Stuart has organised some sort of surprise for me the week after. He has forbidden me from asking questions, and I know nothing other than that it is in the late afternoon of November 28th. I know this because he asked me if I wanted to go for a meal as a birthday treat but I said that we often go for a meal, and could we please go for afternoon tea instead? He thought it was a lovely idea (although that might just be because I read him the patisserie list at the hotel I wanted to go to for it!) and booked it for me as a special extra treat (: How nice is that! I love afternoon tea; I love how quaint it is and I love sarnies and scones and I LOVE desserts with a burning passion. I've been to a couple of afternoon teas before (at the Ritz and the Savoy no less) so I am very excited about that. It's almost a good thing turning 21 by the look of things!
CHAPTER FIVE: Degree
I've started really getting my head down with my uni work this semester now. I've started an essay that is due in at the end of November and I'm plodding on with my huge portfolio for my Advanced Digital Imaging. Not to mention my dissertation prep, which is now underway. I felt out of my depth and panicked, but then my tutor told me that I'm actually very ahead with my development, so that was reassuring.
CHAPTER SIX:
Shower and hairwash time soon, then bed. Whilst I'm doing that, enjoy these photos from my afternoon tea at the Savoy. Me and my brother took my nana and grandpa earlier in the year to thank them for being wonderful relatives. It was a lovely afternoon. Jocy xxx
It has been 3 days since I applied for The Job. I sometimes forget about it and then
when I remember I can think of little else for hours. The closing date for applications isn't till October 31st so it's going to be a while yet before I hear anything, if anything. Ohgod it just occurred to me that if I don't get it they might not let me know! How long is acceptable to wait till you contact them enquiring?!?! Ohmygod I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner!!!! SO MANY WORST CASE SCENARIOS!!!!!!!!
CHAPTER TWO: Pilates
Something that I have started doing this semester is Pilates. Me and Amy wanted to do yoga ideally, but the classes at our gym coincided with lectures, so we chose Pilates instead. It's a lot harder than you'd imagine, but strangely calming. Or maybe that's just because of the zen-balancing music they play. Or the fact that a lot of it is done laying down on a comfy mat. Believe it or not, it IS exercise.
CHAPTER THREE: Geriatric Musings
It's my birthday soon. Which is utterly terrifying. I started this blog when I was 16 years old, and now I'm about to turn 21. I was re-reading old blogs the other day, seeing the transition from GCSE panic, to sixth form to starting university. It's interesting how some things haven't changed at all, and other things are a whole new kettle of fish. Ultimately though I believe I have kept at least SOME of my "essence" (how disgustingly contrived that sounds hahaha) so that's reassuring. I still wear a lot of the same clothes from when I was a lot younger, such as the Converse All Stars I got when I was 14 (7 years ago!!!!!!!!!!) and my Green Day hoodie that I got when I was 15. Some things never change.
CHAPTER FOUR: Afternoon Tea
Speaking of my birthday, Stuart has organised some sort of surprise for me the week after. He has forbidden me from asking questions, and I know nothing other than that it is in the late afternoon of November 28th. I know this because he asked me if I wanted to go for a meal as a birthday treat but I said that we often go for a meal, and could we please go for afternoon tea instead? He thought it was a lovely idea (although that might just be because I read him the patisserie list at the hotel I wanted to go to for it!) and booked it for me as a special extra treat (: How nice is that! I love afternoon tea; I love how quaint it is and I love sarnies and scones and I LOVE desserts with a burning passion. I've been to a couple of afternoon teas before (at the Ritz and the Savoy no less) so I am very excited about that. It's almost a good thing turning 21 by the look of things!
CHAPTER FIVE: Degree
I've started really getting my head down with my uni work this semester now. I've started an essay that is due in at the end of November and I'm plodding on with my huge portfolio for my Advanced Digital Imaging. Not to mention my dissertation prep, which is now underway. I felt out of my depth and panicked, but then my tutor told me that I'm actually very ahead with my development, so that was reassuring.
CHAPTER SIX:
Shower and hairwash time soon, then bed. Whilst I'm doing that, enjoy these photos from my afternoon tea at the Savoy. Me and my brother took my nana and grandpa earlier in the year to thank them for being wonderful relatives. It was a lovely afternoon. Jocy xxx
Sunday, 21 October 2012
Ageing up
SOMEHOW it turned into halfway through semester one of my final year at university.
It turns out that a part of final year is working out how to transition into a real life human. Unfortunately, it does not involve being surrounded by stars and sparkles, doing a spin in the air and morphing into a taller person in different clothes. This is only the case in the Sims.
What it does include is applying for jobs. I've had part time jobs since I was 15, and my friends who didn't go to university have had full time jobs for a few years now. But I've been in the glorious bubble that is full time education, and the time is coming for the bubble to burst and for me to be exposed to the Outside World.
The other day, October 18th, I found an advertisement for my Ultimate Dream Job. You know when someone suggests something, and you'd like to do that thing loads, and you get all excited and squirmy inside and you just want to DO IT NOW, like when someone tells you you're going on holiday or when you have tickets to see your favourite band. I read this job opening and that's how I felt. Every single line of the ad, every single requirement for the role, every detail just consumed me with a squishy feeling I usually only associate with the prospect of cheesecake. I just want this job SO BADLY. It encompasses everything I love to do, everything I've loved to do since I was 15 years old, everything I think I am good at. I keep re-reading the ad and sometimes I believe with every fibre of my being that there is no other person on this planet Earth that is more perfectly suited to the job than I am. And other times I am enveloped in the fear that someone else will apply who is better than me. But mostly I just feel that if I was given the opportunity, I could be the absolutely best person for this job that they could possibly imagine, and that I'd do everything in my power to get to this point. And sometimes I feel sad because I truly don't think I could ever feel as excited about a job as I feel about this one. I feel like this is the Job For Me, and that even jobs I've previously been interested in and intrigued by pale in comparison.
On Monday I'm applying for this job.
I'm terrified, excited, determined, confident, self-doubting and thrilled by this prospect. But most of all, I'm convinced that I am the right person for the job and that I could truly do it justice.
PS I just looked back and on September 2nd I wrote in a blog that I needed to work out what I want to do with my adult life. THIS JOB IS WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY ADULT LIFE.
It turns out that a part of final year is working out how to transition into a real life human. Unfortunately, it does not involve being surrounded by stars and sparkles, doing a spin in the air and morphing into a taller person in different clothes. This is only the case in the Sims.
What it does include is applying for jobs. I've had part time jobs since I was 15, and my friends who didn't go to university have had full time jobs for a few years now. But I've been in the glorious bubble that is full time education, and the time is coming for the bubble to burst and for me to be exposed to the Outside World.
The other day, October 18th, I found an advertisement for my Ultimate Dream Job. You know when someone suggests something, and you'd like to do that thing loads, and you get all excited and squirmy inside and you just want to DO IT NOW, like when someone tells you you're going on holiday or when you have tickets to see your favourite band. I read this job opening and that's how I felt. Every single line of the ad, every single requirement for the role, every detail just consumed me with a squishy feeling I usually only associate with the prospect of cheesecake. I just want this job SO BADLY. It encompasses everything I love to do, everything I've loved to do since I was 15 years old, everything I think I am good at. I keep re-reading the ad and sometimes I believe with every fibre of my being that there is no other person on this planet Earth that is more perfectly suited to the job than I am. And other times I am enveloped in the fear that someone else will apply who is better than me. But mostly I just feel that if I was given the opportunity, I could be the absolutely best person for this job that they could possibly imagine, and that I'd do everything in my power to get to this point. And sometimes I feel sad because I truly don't think I could ever feel as excited about a job as I feel about this one. I feel like this is the Job For Me, and that even jobs I've previously been interested in and intrigued by pale in comparison.
On Monday I'm applying for this job.
I'm terrified, excited, determined, confident, self-doubting and thrilled by this prospect. But most of all, I'm convinced that I am the right person for the job and that I could truly do it justice.
PS I just looked back and on September 2nd I wrote in a blog that I needed to work out what I want to do with my adult life. THIS JOB IS WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY ADULT LIFE.
Fantasia
Tomorrow (later today) I am going to see Disney Fantasia: Live in Concert at the Royal Albert Hall with my nana and grandpa.
One of my strongest memories as a small child is spending time at my grandparents' house. Whenever I was there I would watch Fantasia with them, as nana and grandpa loved classical music and I loved Disney. Actually, I don't remember if I liked Disney before I saw Fantasia, so really I expect it was my first introduction to Disney. But I loved it from thereon. I loved the dancing mushrooms during the Nutcracker Suite. I was scared of the Sorcerer's Apprentice because Mickey Mouse always looked so terrified, and this used to really disturb me. I remember even at a very young age thinking how real the fear in his eyes looked, even though I knew it was an animation. To this day I still marvel at the way Disney put emotions into their animations' eyes. I used to get a bit bored by all the bits with the fairies, as I was never really interested in fairies or princesses. But I remember loving the part when the Winter fairies came and everything they touched turned to frost. THE HIPPOS! I just remembered the incredible ballerina hippos. AND OSTRICHES.
I'm really looking forward to seeing Fantasia Live. Largely because I'm going with nana and grandpa, who provided me with my first ever experiences of both Disney and classical music.
One of my strongest memories as a small child is spending time at my grandparents' house. Whenever I was there I would watch Fantasia with them, as nana and grandpa loved classical music and I loved Disney. Actually, I don't remember if I liked Disney before I saw Fantasia, so really I expect it was my first introduction to Disney. But I loved it from thereon. I loved the dancing mushrooms during the Nutcracker Suite. I was scared of the Sorcerer's Apprentice because Mickey Mouse always looked so terrified, and this used to really disturb me. I remember even at a very young age thinking how real the fear in his eyes looked, even though I knew it was an animation. To this day I still marvel at the way Disney put emotions into their animations' eyes. I used to get a bit bored by all the bits with the fairies, as I was never really interested in fairies or princesses. But I remember loving the part when the Winter fairies came and everything they touched turned to frost. THE HIPPOS! I just remembered the incredible ballerina hippos. AND OSTRICHES.
I'm really looking forward to seeing Fantasia Live. Largely because I'm going with nana and grandpa, who provided me with my first ever experiences of both Disney and classical music.
Sunday, 2 September 2012
RUNNING OUT OF TIME
I am about to embark upon my final year of university. Ergo, I have been doing some Actual Thinking about things I want (need) to get done in the outrageously near future.
WORK EXPERIENCE
Despite having a very exciting and productive summer full of CV-worthy activity, I haven't done any work experience for a couple of years. That's not to say I've been lazy; quite the opposite. I've done things that I'll never get a chance to do again, and for that I am glad because I known I've been a good Opportunity Grasper. But now I need to get the ball back rolling when it comes to work experience, and I need to really start trying out things to try and deduce what it is I want to do with my adult life. The first thing I'm going to do is send my CV to local advertising companies. My parents have been saying for years that they think I should look into doing advertising (apparently because I'm creative and witty and current and all that!) but I'd never really considered it until recently. As I've become more Photoshop-literate and from having watched more TV and read more magazines (due to modules I took last year) the advertising world has been more poignant to me, and it's definitely something I'd like to have a go in.
DISSERTATION
Despite having a Genuine Concern that I've bitten off more than I can chew by choosing to do a practical dissertation, I really really really want to make it amazing. I know I'm doing some form of street photography, but all summer my mind has been changing as to the precise path I want to take. I think I'm currently leaning toward street portraiture, like 83% sure, but by the end of September I want to have decided 100% on my theme. I think doing it in London is the best idea, as I have unlimited access to London, and I really want to photograph people as it's something I've always loved to do, and the project Humans of New York has introduced me to street portraiture, which I have rather fallen in love with. But I just want to pick the thing that I can do the best at, which is something I need to work out in the next month preferably.
BUY STATIONARY
This may sound trivial but never underestimate the power of stationary that you love. I need to buy my favourite biros and my favourite paper because these are what I get the best quality work out of. It sounds ridiculous but if you know what I mean, then you'll know what I mean. I also need to get some nice folders because I'm always more inclined to remain organised if I have a nice folder to be organised in. And I need to buy a new hole punch because mine broke at the end of second year because I punched too many holes.
That's all I can think of now. I'm sure there are more things, but I can't think properly anymore because David just ordered us a curry and I'm too excited about my biriyani to make a list.
I'm going to make a Promise To Myself to blog more regularly this year, because I know I'll be grateful when I finish uni if I have some remotely concise writings about my experiences. I'm so happy I blogged through sixth form, and first year, so this seems vital even if I did neglect it during second year.
Tee tee eff en x
WORK EXPERIENCE
Despite having a very exciting and productive summer full of CV-worthy activity, I haven't done any work experience for a couple of years. That's not to say I've been lazy; quite the opposite. I've done things that I'll never get a chance to do again, and for that I am glad because I known I've been a good Opportunity Grasper. But now I need to get the ball back rolling when it comes to work experience, and I need to really start trying out things to try and deduce what it is I want to do with my adult life. The first thing I'm going to do is send my CV to local advertising companies. My parents have been saying for years that they think I should look into doing advertising (apparently because I'm creative and witty and current and all that!) but I'd never really considered it until recently. As I've become more Photoshop-literate and from having watched more TV and read more magazines (due to modules I took last year) the advertising world has been more poignant to me, and it's definitely something I'd like to have a go in.
DISSERTATION
Despite having a Genuine Concern that I've bitten off more than I can chew by choosing to do a practical dissertation, I really really really want to make it amazing. I know I'm doing some form of street photography, but all summer my mind has been changing as to the precise path I want to take. I think I'm currently leaning toward street portraiture, like 83% sure, but by the end of September I want to have decided 100% on my theme. I think doing it in London is the best idea, as I have unlimited access to London, and I really want to photograph people as it's something I've always loved to do, and the project Humans of New York has introduced me to street portraiture, which I have rather fallen in love with. But I just want to pick the thing that I can do the best at, which is something I need to work out in the next month preferably.
BUY STATIONARY
This may sound trivial but never underestimate the power of stationary that you love. I need to buy my favourite biros and my favourite paper because these are what I get the best quality work out of. It sounds ridiculous but if you know what I mean, then you'll know what I mean. I also need to get some nice folders because I'm always more inclined to remain organised if I have a nice folder to be organised in. And I need to buy a new hole punch because mine broke at the end of second year because I punched too many holes.
That's all I can think of now. I'm sure there are more things, but I can't think properly anymore because David just ordered us a curry and I'm too excited about my biriyani to make a list.
I'm going to make a Promise To Myself to blog more regularly this year, because I know I'll be grateful when I finish uni if I have some remotely concise writings about my experiences. I'm so happy I blogged through sixth form, and first year, so this seems vital even if I did neglect it during second year.
Tee tee eff en x
Sunday, 19 August 2012
Wednesday, 4 July 2012
IT'S BEEN A STRANGE OLD TWO MONTHS.
I've found the idea of writing things down in a logical manner really difficult recently, because so many different things have been and are sitting in my head.
In no particular order:
Missing an overall First for second year by 2.9%
Being desperate for a First in my final degree
Missing Joe who was my best friend for many years but who I am not really in contact with at the moment/anymore
IBS/anxiety problems
Really wanting to know what my career aspirations are
My lost YouTube partnership
All of these are very negative, so I also want to list some things that have made me very happy the last two months:
Going to Madeira with my boyfriend and my family and swimming with dolphins in the wild
Discovering a love for jewellery that I have never really had before
Just learning to accessorise in general
Getting into makeup a bit (bear in mind I still can count the makeup items I use on one hand, but for me that is something new!)
Gradually regaining my vlogging confidence
Painting my nails incessantly
Despite two months of it being gone, I still have a long summer ahead of me. For the next month or so I am volunteering at my university as we have 4 of the Olympic teams staying on our campus to train for the Games. Aside from that, I don't have any specific plans. However I am really hoping (and aiming) that by the end of my summer I will have a better (and maybe even clear) idea of what it is I want to do after I graduate. When I was YouTubing loads a couple of years ago, and was a partner, and had a huge audience, I was set on being a TV presenter. Losing my confidence was so debilitating for me because I lost all of my ambition as well as my sense of self. But this summer I am going to work SO hard to build myself up again. I want to find something that I know I love to do, and I am going to throw myself into it. I am desperate to make something of myself. It may not involve fame or grandeur, but I want to create something that I am proud of. This summer I want it to be my YouTube channel again, and we shall see where that takes me. I want to get my outgoingness back again and make new friends and just be as happy as I used to be in myself.
I feel optimistic, which I know can be short-lived in everyone sometimes, but I think ultimately I have to feel optimistic because really, the future is going to happen whether I like it or not so I might as well charge at it with all I have.
And I'm not going to beat myself up if I find it hard to feel empowered in myself straight away, because I'm only human and even people who are confident and proud of themselves can slip back sometimes. That's what happened to me but there is nothing to say that I can't overcome it. I feel that I already am :D
Jocy (: x
PS! I don't think I ever blogged about this but I want to mention it now. For a couple of years I suffered with dermatillomania, which is a compulsive skin picking disorder. The bottoms of my feet were hideous; they were constantly hurting, bleeding and difficult to walk on, and I kept it hidden from 99% of people that I knew. However after probably over 2 years I managed to beat the habit and I haven't been limping anywhere for weeks now and the bottoms of my feet are completely smooth. Anyone who has suffered from any compulsive disorder will know how impossible it often seems to be able to stop yourself, so I am VERY happy with myself. I want to thank Stuart and my mum for always making me stop attacking my feet when I did it subconsciously, and my dad for being a good pharmacist and bringing me back some cream to help heal the wounds on my feet. (:
In no particular order:
Missing an overall First for second year by 2.9%
Being desperate for a First in my final degree
Missing Joe who was my best friend for many years but who I am not really in contact with at the moment/anymore
IBS/anxiety problems
Really wanting to know what my career aspirations are
My lost YouTube partnership
All of these are very negative, so I also want to list some things that have made me very happy the last two months:
Going to Madeira with my boyfriend and my family and swimming with dolphins in the wild
Discovering a love for jewellery that I have never really had before
Just learning to accessorise in general
Getting into makeup a bit (bear in mind I still can count the makeup items I use on one hand, but for me that is something new!)
Gradually regaining my vlogging confidence
Painting my nails incessantly
Despite two months of it being gone, I still have a long summer ahead of me. For the next month or so I am volunteering at my university as we have 4 of the Olympic teams staying on our campus to train for the Games. Aside from that, I don't have any specific plans. However I am really hoping (and aiming) that by the end of my summer I will have a better (and maybe even clear) idea of what it is I want to do after I graduate. When I was YouTubing loads a couple of years ago, and was a partner, and had a huge audience, I was set on being a TV presenter. Losing my confidence was so debilitating for me because I lost all of my ambition as well as my sense of self. But this summer I am going to work SO hard to build myself up again. I want to find something that I know I love to do, and I am going to throw myself into it. I am desperate to make something of myself. It may not involve fame or grandeur, but I want to create something that I am proud of. This summer I want it to be my YouTube channel again, and we shall see where that takes me. I want to get my outgoingness back again and make new friends and just be as happy as I used to be in myself.
I feel optimistic, which I know can be short-lived in everyone sometimes, but I think ultimately I have to feel optimistic because really, the future is going to happen whether I like it or not so I might as well charge at it with all I have.
And I'm not going to beat myself up if I find it hard to feel empowered in myself straight away, because I'm only human and even people who are confident and proud of themselves can slip back sometimes. That's what happened to me but there is nothing to say that I can't overcome it. I feel that I already am :D
Jocy (: x
PS! I don't think I ever blogged about this but I want to mention it now. For a couple of years I suffered with dermatillomania, which is a compulsive skin picking disorder. The bottoms of my feet were hideous; they were constantly hurting, bleeding and difficult to walk on, and I kept it hidden from 99% of people that I knew. However after probably over 2 years I managed to beat the habit and I haven't been limping anywhere for weeks now and the bottoms of my feet are completely smooth. Anyone who has suffered from any compulsive disorder will know how impossible it often seems to be able to stop yourself, so I am VERY happy with myself. I want to thank Stuart and my mum for always making me stop attacking my feet when I did it subconsciously, and my dad for being a good pharmacist and bringing me back some cream to help heal the wounds on my feet. (:
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