What do you want to be when you grow up?

I think the most asked question to young children is What do you want to be when you grow up? Every time a child meets someone new, their own age or older, they ask the question. Something I've noticed recently is that young children always have an answer to that question. I don't think I've ever heard a child under the age of about 11 reply with "I don't know" (and I've known a lot of young children as my mum has been childminding since I was 4).

But when someone asks ME that question now, at the age of 20, I have no blooming idea how to answer.

Children tend to get asked "What do you want to BE?" and they can list of a million characters that they want to embody; fireman, vet, doctor, teacher...the list is really and truly endless. And they don't second guess their own answer, they say the exact thing that they want to be when they grow up and they don't consider for a split second that anything or anyone would try and deter them or get in their way.

However, we as young adults seem to get asked "What do you want to DO?". We can't just give the name of a type of person we want to emulate in our career path. We have to stop and we have to think about the things we want to DO when we are older.

DOING and BEING are horribly different. I remember first being aware of this when I began learning secondary school French when I was 11 and we had to learn verbs and put them with être (to be) or faire (to do) and I'd sit there trying to process whether I do or be the verbs.

But honestly, they are very different. Being someone is just being that person, you are that person, that's who you are. Doing something entails a process, usually a personal one; doing things is effort and work.

I miss when I used to just have to decide what I wanted to be. Because I can easily tell you a million things I want to be...I want to be happy and healthy and talented and determined and I want to be with my family and my friends.

But when you're asked what you want to do you have to consider actual processes, and the actions you want to take to get things done. Which is essentially and conclusively much more complex and involved than just knowing what you want to be.

Ending 2011 and starting 2012

It's a few days late this year but I'm going to do my blog about the previous year, 2011 (: I think this is the 5th one of these I have done, which is pretty exciting to be honest. But anyway, I'm going to go through the aims etc I set at the start of last year and see how I got one.


AIMS FOR 2011

- Get 1400 subscribers on my YouTube channel
1343. To be fair this is the worst I've ever done at a subscriber aim, but it's less important to me now. I am making my videos more for me and my friends rather than the wider audience, which is right for me at the moment. I'm hugely appreciative of the people who still keep up to date with my channel (:

- Get over my psychological issues with blue cheese
Yes! Tried Stilton several times and really liked it!

- Get over my psychological issues with raw fish
No. This isn't going to happen.

- Go to Yo Sushi after I have completed prior aim
See above.

- Get my tattoo done
Totally gone off the idea of getting a tattoo, think I did at the start of the summer.

- Get involved in the radio at my university
I did go to one meeting about it but it's a disorganised system and they never contacted me back ):

- Get the dermatillomania to fugoff
I'm doing MUCH better (:

- Get at least a 2:1 in Media Arts and at least a 2:2 in Film and Popular Culture at the end of first year
I got a first in Media Arts and a very high 2:2 in Film (with a first on an essay and an exam), massively proud of myself (:

- Still keep in touch with all my friends from home
To the absolutely best of my ability, yes. Obviously we don't speak as often or see eachother as often but that is the way the cookie crumbles I suppose. It's nice knowing who is still there for me though (:

- Go on some sort of holiday with friends
YESSSSSS ohmygosh Spain was incredible :D

- Do lots of cooking/days out with Joe
We saw eachother a few times at the start of the year but then he decided he didn't want to be friends with me anymore

- Vlog MUCH more regularly
Sometimes I did, sometimes not. See the first point.

- Get a wide angle or a fish eye lens for my camera
Yep got a wide angle at last :D

- Get a place with Simon, Simon, Lizzie and Hannah (unless Simon ends up going to Australia ofc)
Living with Lizzie and Hannah with Tall Simon down the road and Small Simon is in England across the other side of Twicks (:

- Turn 20 without having a nervous breakdown
SUCCESS :D

- Buy something from the Abercrombie and Hollister store in Kingston XD
What was I thinking?

- Carry on learning to not be paranoid about what people think of me
Well I tried...

THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO IN 2011

- My Chemical Romance with Simon!
AMAZING

- Les Mis with the other Simon!
AMAZING

- Getting a place with friends when we have to move out of halls
Nice

- Another 5 months in halls :D
Best thing ever, wish I were back there ):

- Making even more new friends at university
Lots (:

- More of my Media course
Adore it

- Everything really. I'm just so excited about everything to come!
Lovely. Lovely lovely lovely (:

And I also found at the end of the last end of year blog I wrote this:

"PS...It's mega weird to think that the next time I read this will probably be at the end of 2011. 365 days will have gone by and I will be reading it like OMFG IT'S GONE SO FAST! And I'll be TWENTY. Future Jocy, seriously, please don't mature. That would be your biggest and most boring mistake ever."

I think I can say truly and honestly, OMFG IT'S GONE SO FAST. Also, yes I am 20. And don't worry past Jocy, I didn't mature. I haven't made that big and boring mistake yet (:


And now the bit when I set my aims and things for the coming year, 2012!

AIMS FOR 2012
- Continue enjoying my course
- Get a 2:1 at the end of second year
- Stay with Stuart
- Not have arguments
- Lose weight
- Keep my hair in good conditioning PARTICULARLY by not straightening it very much at all
- Start thinking seriously about what I want to do after uni
- Turn 21 in a calm and sensible fashion :D
- Do not get mature. That would be tragic.
- Do something lovely with Stuart for our one year annimaversary (:
- Sort out my anxiety issues and just feel less ill and more healthy

THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO IN 2012
- Completely the second year of my course
- Going to Madeira with my family and Stuart and uncle Warren
- Michael McIntyre with Stuart and his family
- Green Day American Idiot musical!!!!!
- NEW YORK
- Losing weight

I cannot believe it is 2012. I remember when we won the Olympic bid in 2005 when I was 13, 7 years ago. I remember how excited everyone was and how it seemed so far into the future and when I asked my mum if we could go she told me that I'd be nearly 21 by then and wouldn't need her to come with me. And back then I couldn't fathom that. And SURE AS HELLIO it happened, holy guacamole. Luckily I feel in the exact same mindset as I did back then from a JOCY point of view. Obviously in some senses I'm older but I'm essentially the exact same person.

2011 was insane. Falling in love with Stuart being the most notable of all insanities XD Joe parting ways from me being another insanity. Both of these things I just didn't think would happen, and have showed me that literally anything can and will happen, good or bad, whether you expect it or not.

Ultimately, it's been incredible. Hello 2012 (:

A blog in progress

Ten highlights of 2011

10. Halls
9. Animal park with Stu, Becky and Ben
8. Decorating my room
7. Breaking into the loft
6. Getting stuck in the lift
5. Segway around Bruges
4. Barry Roadtrip
3. Falling down Primrose Hill
2. Spain
1. Stuart

OMG WTF 2011

So I usually wait until new year's eve until I do my big reminiscent and sentimental blog about the past year and the forthcoming one, and whilst I am not saying I shan't be doing one next week too, there are some things I want to talk about now as well.

Firstly...HOW DID ANY OF THIS HAPPEN?! Like seriously. Some things happened this year that I honest to god would not have thought possible in a MONTH OF SUNDAYS. Ps where does that saying come from? I'm quoting the grandpa in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, but seriously that makes no sense. I know what he means though, and it is also what I mean.

Back to it. WHAT THE HELL. HOW. WHY. Ugh. I'm not complaining, but I'm just really not comprehending. I think for my own sake I need to write this down, because it's a mush in my head. Let's give this some order.

FIRST THING:
Jocy Got A Boyfriend Who She Loves To Absolute Pieces And Who Loves Her This Much Back
I am not going to do a poor little me act, because I've never worried about boys not liking me, or even particularly thought that boys didn't like me. But whilst my friends were worrying about GETTING boys to like them I really couldn't be bothered and I was of the mentality that when it happened it would happen. I just didn't think I was correct.
But lo and behold, I was. Circumstantially, me and Stuart even crossing paths was so unlikely that it genuinely terrifies me to think about. He had trouble hearing back from our uni, I applied totally last minute, I didn't get a place in Halls till a week before moving in and prior to that I didn't even APPLY for the Halls I eventually DID get put in. Stuart is doing sport, I'm doing media. There is NO WAY IN HELL that we would have met if it wasn't for the PURE CHANCE that we were placed down the same corridor. This terrifies me. Everything is so freaking unlikely, and when amazing stuff happens there is more of chance that it wouldn't have happened. Maybe this is why every day of my life I can't believe I'm with Stuart. Or maybe it's because he is quite literally everything I have ever heard any of my girl friends wish they had in a boyfriend. I'm just so unbelievably lucky, that's all there is to it, it is pure categorical luck that we met, and that makes it even more bloomin' incredible.

SECOND THING:
Not Drinking Is Still Proving To Be An Obstacles With Friendships
I've grown apart from some uni people this year. There is NO WAY I would be arrogant enough as to claim it is no one's fault, because of course it is. We are all busy, and it is so much harder to keep in contact outside of Halls, especially when we are scattered over a few miles. But they all see eachother when they go out clubbing or drinking, and I DESPISE these pursuits. Granted, when I was at school it actually lost me friends whereas now it just makes it harder to relate to people, and for them to relate to me. But I am baffled by the fact that it's still somewhat of a downfall. It feels a bit unfair. But I know I'm the minority. But I really did think that as I got older the novelty of alcohol and parties would wear off for people. How naive of me. I'm not slating anyone who likes this stuff, I just can't believe that it's still getting in the way of other thought processes in my brain.

THIRD THING:
Jocy And Joe Are Not Really Anything Anymore
Let me tell you this for a fact, if it were up to me, Joe would still be my best friend. Because ultimately I really couldn't give a flying fart how much he annoyed me, there is nothing he could do that was bad enough for me to not want him in my life anymore. Unfortunately this is not an outlook he shared (though I'd be lying if I said I thought he didn't think like this up until this all happened). What adds insult to injury is that I feel the FALL-OUT was entirely unjustified. And then there was the whole Facebook message in which he told me we shouldn't talk for a while and 3 days later he had deleted me off Facebook. I guess not talking for a while didn't actually mean not talking for a while, it meant he didn't want any contact with me ever again. Which is pretty hurtful and was without a doubt the worst thing that happened to me this year. Or in maybe quite a few years. I never thought this would happen. Ugh I do not want to get upset now but how can I not be? I don't want to not be friends with him anymore. I have some of my best memories with him, and I just want him back if I'm totally honest. I planned on this section being all like "Ho hum, c'est la vie" but as much as this IS life, this is also unbelievably shit. I kind of feel like he's died, because he's not in my life anymore as anything other than a memory. That's what death is to the people left behind. I'm bloody glad he's not dead, which I did text him to tell him last month (he didn't reply), but I wish he was still ALIVE IN MY LIFE for want of a less cliche phrase. In the unlikely event that he reads this (he's unfollowed me from everything he originally followed me on) I would quite like him to know that I miss the hell out of him and as much as I'm fairly furious at how this whole situation was dealt with, I'd have never been the one to throw him away.

FOURTH THING:
Jocy Moved Into A Flat
For 18 years I lived with my parents. Then for a year I lived in a protective bubble on campus. Now I live in a flat, with a rent, without supervision of any kind. There isn't much to say about this other than APOGDSHFJKGFCVX#old

Okay well I thought there would be more things to this but it turns out there's not. I think this explains the general gist of my brain round about now. We can summarise this in 4 concise points:

1. JOCY LOVES STUART LOADS
2. JOCY STILL DOESN'T LIKE ALCOHOL
3. JOE DOESN'T LIKE JOCY
4. JOCY HAS FLAT

Good night and merry holidays x

ALSO.

In the new year I'm going to buy a set of scales, one that show up a digital number so that nothing can be misconstrued. And I'm going to stand religiously on those scales every single day and read that hideous number if that isn't enough to make me stop eating then nothing will be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BLOG.

Finished uni for the semester. Worked my absolute behind off like never before. Got one assignment back and did not do as well as I had hoped. Kind of dreading getting the rest back because doing not as well as you hoped is ten times worse when you know you tried your absolute best.

I really can't write a big blog post now because I've had a mega long day and still haven't been to sleep on account of the billion decibel wind and rain storm outside that has been blazing for the last god knows how many hours.

But I really want to vlog and blog more regularly because legacies are important.

So my officially December 13th resolution is to do just that.

Good night, for now x