I have the innate ability of being able to unintentionally alienate myself from everyone I cross paths with.

When I was younger I was terrible at first impressions. I wanted to seem cool and quirky, so I acted like a complete twat and people instantly hated me. Actually no, hate is too strong a word because to be hated you have to actually initiate a strong reaction from someone. I wouldn't flatter myself but saying I did that. I was one of those typical irritating little girls who thought they were so "random" because they wore odd socks and had a side fringe. The only people that I didn't alienate myself from were those the same as me. So miraculously, I ended up with quite a big group of friends.

Over the years this group depleted. It would be stupid for me to go about pointing fingers and blaming people, because I'm past everything that happened. But instead of viewing it as a negative thing, as it seemed to be at the time, I now like to look at it as a period in which I was able to filter off the people who obviously weren't meant to be a big part of my life forever. The reason this was a positive thing that happened is because I was left with one or two people who I feel like I'm clearly meant to be with forever. And then having these people who you know love you a lot boosts your self esteem, making you more confident and henceforth you become even better at first impressions. Maybe this is the reason over the past year I've made a few more amazing friends. Who knows.

Which brings me back to me alienating myself from everyone.

All I want to do is to be an unconditional best friend. I don't want to annoy people anymore. I don't want to fake it. I just want things to go how I used to lay in bed at night when I was 12 years old wishing they would. Most of the time they do. And sometimes I feel like I am still annoying, still fake and a nuisance.

If I can alienate myself from my best friends, then I don't think I have much hope at all.