My January has been MAD so far.

It has been a very long time since I last blogged.

New Year was rather perfect. I don't want to give you a blow by blow account of it because to be frank, you wouldn't find it interesting. But it was one of those days/evenings/nights/mornings that just WORKED.

The first week or so of 2010 was brilliant. I felt on top of the world, excited about uni, just generally optimistic about life.

Then things took a turn.

Rofl. I think we now need some atmospheric lighting, dramatic music and melodramatic facial expressions.

Basically, my motivation vanished. I started doing really badly at school and just being damn lazy. Things had started going downhill before Christmas but I just thought it was a blip. But after I went back it became evident that nothing and no one would make me work for my January exams. I know it's bad when it comes to Joe nagging me to work. Don't get me wrong, Joe is one of the hardest workers I know, but usually I'M the massive geek, so when he's like "Go and revise -_-" I know I need to go and revise. But I just COULDN'T.

Basically what happened was that when I was absolutely intent on going to Royal Holloway for uni my motivation was FULL STEAM AHEAD because the thought of getting the grades and going there was the light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel that is school. But then, I started considering Kent. Because I didn't have a specific goal in sight, I felt like I had nowhere to work towards, so I just stopped working. Subconciously, I realise it was because I hoped that if I didn't get the grades then I wouldn't have to make a decision between them because I would have just got handed a place at a worse uni. I know this is a ridiculous outlook, but I am just REALLY REALLY bad at decision making.

Anyway. Last Saturday, my mum got my school report. To say it was BAD would be an understatement. Yeah, the teacher feedback was fine. But my predicted grades had gone down from As to Bs and Cs. As you can imagine, mother went a tad ballistic. And then she asked the question that changed EVERYTHING. She said "Are you getting cold feet about uni?" And I thought about. Two weekends before my parents had left me and Jake home alone for the first time and I hated it. I literally did not know where I wanted to be at uni. And I had stopped enjoying drama lessons, the subject I had applied to do at uni. The short answer is Yes, yes I was getting cold feet about uni.

I do what I always do in a time of crisis and I went on MSN to talk to Joe. And we talked it through and he helped me to realise that I'm really not ready to go to uni yet as I don't know where I want to be or what I want to do. And the more I thought about the more I realised that drama is a bad idea. I only applied for drama because I figured that I will never make it as a TV presenter and that drama is a good thing to have to fall back on. And then I realised that that is a TERRIBLE attitude. It is my aspiration to be a TV presenter, so I'm bloody well gonna try and be a TV presenter. I'm not going to make "last resort" decisions "just in case" it doesn't work out. Television is an industry where it is all about WHO you know and not WHAT you know. So I am taking a year out, getting some work experiece and hopefully gaining some contacts whilst chucking my name out there. I'm reapplying for university in 2011 when I know what I want to study.

As soon as I made this decision, my motivation came back. I had really missed my geeky self.